Tag: want

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Back To Reality

Well, it’s back to everyday normal life. It’s been about 5 days since I looked in my Master’s pretty blue eyes. I miss him terribly, the hardest part is the last morning when we have to part ways again for who knows how long. šŸ˜” We are shooting for spring when we can get back together again. I hope it happens, the situation isn’t an easy one to navigate.

But, I am so very happy I finally got to get together with him and actually spend time with him one on one. Touch him, hold him, KISS him! šŸ’‹ It was needed, my body and soul was craving all those things from him. Being in an LDR is extremely difficult. So when you get these in person moments you treasure them and hope that they get you through until the next time. So I am very grateful that I did get this time with him. It was the most human touch I’ve had in a very long time. We just spent some of the time reaquinting ourselves with one another, being close to each other. Even if it was just feeling the heat radiate from one another. We had some play time and some going out and having fun time.

Sadly though our visits have been cut down again to only 2 full days. That isn’t fair to me or him for that matter but it’s the cards we are dealt right now.

You make a great deal of sacrifices for the people you love. And I love that man with all my heart! I am eagerly awaiting the next time we can get together. Even if it is for a short period of time it’s still worth it to me. Every minute I get to spend with him is a treasured moment.

So here we are once again back in our respective places living our day to day lives. Just waiting for our next moments. Its hard when you first get home and you have all this spare time to think and rehash the time you had with him. You almost beg for vacation to be over so you can get back to work and occupy your thoughts. So here I am sitting at work šŸ™„ writing this post trying to occupy my thoughts and not mourn the loss of being in his presence. šŸ˜”

I get home and it’s just me and the 4 walls again. But I am still very grateful for what we do have. So back to every day life and just keep moving forward.Ā  I love you all! ā¤ļø Thanks for reading my post! šŸ˜Š

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The Gym

I absolutely love going to the gym, it is my happy place. I feel so much better after going there and working out. I’ve had some health issues here of late that have kept me out of the gym for the last month or so. Well, things seemed to be “feeling better” so I wanted to start back to the gym and get back into my happy routine.

So over the weekend I got my gym bag ready and charged up my earbuds. I packed everything up and carried it all out to the car yesterday morning when leaving for work. I even started walking again at work, not as intense as I was doing before but I am walking at least once every hour.

I had all intentions of going to the gym yesterday after work. I even thought about it throughout my day. As the time drew closer for me to get off work and head to the gym I was getting a bit anxious. I’m not sure why it’s never happened before but I really didn’t give it much thought. It was kind of a nagging thought in the back of my head.

As I was getting into the last hour of work it was becoming more prevalent in my thoughts. As the hour was coming to a close and it was almost time for me to clock out I was feeling more and more anxious about the gym. I couldn’t understand it, I know I love the gym I was looking forward to going. But the anxiety was getting very strong the closer the hour came to a close. To the point it felt like I was having a panic attack.Ā  So when I clocked out and when I reached my car I decided to go ahead and just head home. I felt relief but also disappointment in myself.

I’m not sure what happened or why I had this panic attack over going to the gym yesterday. Maybe it was a conscious premonition or some kind of conscious warning. I’m just not sure, I do know it is bothering me and I wish I could just figure it out.

Regardless of all that I did manage to go to the gym today and it felt wonderful! I was very proud of myself and what I accomplished today. I am hoping to have no more of these panic attacks when it comes to the gym.Ā  Just hoping that the answer comes to me at some point. But I consider today a win!!!

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I Went to My First Swinger Party Last Night

It was an interesting experience, I was excited to go and I even wore a bit of a sexy outfit. But I must admit after being there for an hour or so I regretted my choice of clothing. You see this particular swinger party was a bit geriatric! The beginning of the party was going fairly well after I arrived with some friends of mine I also discovered other friends of mine had also shown up. I was very happy about that, I love to socialize. Which are a very big step for me and a very big change considering I am most definitely an introvert. But if I am pushed just a bit I will venture out into the world of kink events.

Well, when I first arrived we went in the front door and through the house making our way to the backyard. They had chairs and such set up around a burn pit on a concrete patio. It was very nice looking and relaxing. We sat around and was have some nice conversations with my friends that had attended this event. After a while, I and some other friends of mine were curious about what goes on inside so we all ventured upstairs to take a look. What we saw wasnā€™t very surprising to see but I must admit it was a bit different. You see my career is taking care of the elderly so seeing a naked elderly isnā€™t really a big deal considering Iā€™ve seen just about any kind of naked elderly person in my 30+ years of doing this. But to see the elderly in action was a totally different ballgame! I may never look at my clients the same way again! I must say though I sure hope I am that spry at that age.

Ok, back to the subject I was originally on, my choice of clothing. I will attend another party but I will not adventure in sexy clothing. I felt like I was fresh meat in a room full of wolves!! Being one of the younger people there (there were a few of us) it was like open season for the geriatrics! One of them got a little too handsy for me when I was in the process of leaving, which rubbed my comfort level a bit too much and gave me a lot of pause in my consideration of attending another party. But this person was a little inebriated so I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt. I didnā€™t share that part with my SO so I am sure after he reads this there will be some questions and also some explanations.

But all in all, I did have a nice time. I am excited about the next party and I look forward to seeing my friends and sitting around the fire while we have nice conversations. Until the next timeā€¦ā€¦..

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I Donā€™t Know Where This Will Go

I havenā€™t made a journal entry in quite some time, I thought maybe Iā€™ll give it another try so here I go. Itā€™s been kind of a whirlwind since the beginning of this year. A lot of things have changed and well we are all just trying to make it day by day.

When I was married raising my children taking care of my husbandā€™s needs as well as the household everything seemed to be in order. I knew what I needed to do day by day, I stayed so busy that I really didnā€™t have time to think about myself. Or the fact of the matter is I never truly thought about myself. I focused on my kids and my husband at the time.

My two marriages were not easy ones. But I did survive them, just like I survived my childhood. See thatā€™s just it, I am a survivor, I am strong and can make it through any hurdle life throws my way. So I thought, this year seems to be kicking my ass. The things I use to be able to handle and control are now controlling me. I have moments where I am truly happy in my life I mean I am so happy and satisfied where my life is now. And then there are moments when I feel like the world is crashing down on me, I feel alone and abandoned by everyone even though I know I am not. I know I am loved and wanted but something is catching up to me and I am not sure how to handle or control it. I focused so much energy on taking care of others that I never gave myself a second thought. And now that I am alone and there is only me in my household I have no one to focus on but myself. That is not necessarily a good thing.

Itā€™s been suggested to me many times to seek counseling of any kind. That I really need to get help from someone else to be able to handle what is catching up to me. And of course, I would think ā€œI donā€™t need counseling, Iā€™ve handled this on my own for this long and can continue to do soā€. Yeah, I am just lying to myself and I know I am.

You see Iā€™m not used to talking to other people I am not used to telling people my troubles, Iā€™m used to people telling me their problems and helping them fix them. But here of late, I am noticing that it is getting harder and harder for me to handle my past that is obviously coming back to haunt me. I have noticed that ever since I lost my middle child to suicide things have been a lot harder to deal with. Now it has definitely gotten to the point where I am not handling them I am burying them. But they are not staying buried they keep popping right back up to the surface to haunt me again.

I know I need to seek counseling, I know that if I donā€™t I may land somewhere I donā€™t want to be. It just isnā€™t as easy as just picking up a phone and making the appointment. It is a huge step and well I am trying very hard to work my way up to it.

I am going to end my journal entry here for the day. I am feeling a bit raw and way too open. I thank you for indulging in my ramblings and reading it to the end.

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LDR Dominance

My Dom and I were having a discussion yesterday afternoon. It was about doming from a distance. Before I felt that I couldnā€™t express myself in these journal entries. I felt that my D/s would be put on the line and Iā€™d find myself alone. But I feel more confident now with the constant reassurance that I receive from my Dom that our D/s is strong and will last till the end and a day.

So here I am expressing my thoughts and feelings. As I was saying in the beginning he and I were discussing long distance doming, we have two different opinions of it. He feels it isnā€™t real, that it is just words. There is no physicality in it, no touch, no meaning, it holds no merit and not worth the work in an LDR. And I respect the way he feels heā€™d rather the kink part of our relationship be face to face and pretty much have a vanilla one while weā€™re apart. Now this being said he was willing to put his feelings aside and do a test trial for a month to see if he could have a change of opinions/wants in regards to doming in an LDR. I respect how feels and greatly appreciate the fact that he was willing to do this for ME.

But as he loves me enough to make this sacrifice for my happiness I love him enough to not ask this of him. You see it would make me happy, I would feel so much more! I would be grounded, Iā€™d feel so much more secure and fulfilled. I need the dominance in my life, itā€™s so much more to me then a bunch of words. Iā€™m sure all you subs out there know exactly what Iā€™m trying to say. I want it so bad that I can literally taste it! I crave it! I need it! I find that sometimes I beg for it.

But sadly if heā€™s only doing it to make me happy and he doesnā€™t get joy or happiness out of it then itā€™s all null and void. šŸ˜” I canā€™t receive what I need if he is not receiving what he needs as well. So here I am at a stand still with no good solution in my future. The only solution that I see is to do what makes him happy and keep my needs and wants suppressed until we can see one another face to face. Now I know for a fact once he reads this he will disagree with my solution and not be happy with how I feel. Heā€™s a fixer and he does everything in his power to assure that I am happy and well taken care of. He is a beautiful Dominant/Master to me. I am very proud to be owned by him. We have a great relationship except for this one conundrum.

I feel better but also sad after writing this jornal entry. But at least itā€™s out there and I donā€™t feel like Iā€™m holding it all up alone. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

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Support in getting Healthier

Well Iā€™ve noticed in the last few months that I am gaining weight, I was maintaining before. But since the virus has hit and my gym is closed itā€™s been alot harder! So Iā€™ve been trying to cut back on my food intake. Itā€™s been a back and forth battle. And not really having anyone to support me or keep me in check, itā€™s been even harder!

I was hoping to incorporate my Masters help but that didnā€™t work out as Iā€™d hope. But a long time friend of mine (ex sub) came back into my life probably about six months ago, he is also over weight and trying to lose weight as well. He was also doing it alone with no results in sight! So I started encouraging him as well as praising him when he accomplished a goal! And Iā€™ve been doing this for him for a few months and itā€™s been helping him with his weight loss as well as emotionally.

Well today he started checking me and helping me stay on track. And wow! What a difference it is to have that kind of support! It honestly makes all the difference in the world.

Iā€™m putting this out here to see if I can get some ideas on how to better support him and also to help me along as well. So any advice or success stories are very much welcomed.

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Changes

Iā€™ve been debating about writing this post for a while now, it may send a message to certain people or it may not. Either way I donā€™t wish to discuss this entry. I just wish to be able to write in my journal my true feelings to just be able to come here to be myself and unload without any reprimand or expectations of explaining. 

 Sometimes in our lives we go through trauma that will forever change our lives. You hold this in yourself, you never share and you never speak of it. Doing so always brings more trauma into your life. I as well as many people have been through a lot of trauma in my lifetime, now some would be forever changed by this and let the trauma run their lives. Or use it to gain attention and obedience from their loved ones or other people. I learned from a very young age if you dare speak of it it just brings more hurt, more pain, more distance. So you donā€™t speak of it, you just make yourself invisible. It was easier this way, the pain and trauma still came but you learned how to control the way it affected you. So you were able to live a ā€œhappierā€ life. 

 I did this for many years, well practically my whole life. But during the course of my later years I was presented with an outlet, this outlet pursued my past, my traumas, my feelings. My gut kept telling me to be quiet, just shut up! Youā€™re just going to make it all explode in the end. But you see I didnā€™t listen to my gut (yeah I know stupid move, well no worries lesson learned) and it did just that. It blew up straight in my face. This goes back to the beginning of my writing, I am the one who is strong enough to hold my trauma. I made the mistake of thinking anyone else could. So now I am back to where I was donā€™t speak it just hold it in and do what you know. 

 So here I am again traveling the road I know. Will I miss things that were given to me for a short time, immensely.