Month: May 2017

Well I was inside with my husband listening to him go on and on about the new life he is going to live and how excited he is about it. Unbeknownst to him that each word he utters is a dagger to my heart. His laughing, his joking creating more pain in me.

So now I sit out here on my front porch in the swing. Its 11:00pm and cold but I can no longer sit in that house with him. I’m sitting here for several reasons wondering why I’m yet again crying over this, over him. He has hurt me so much over the years. Pain I just kept to myself, is it my fault?  Should I have spoken up and told him he was hurting me?  Would it have mattered to him?  I honestly don’t know.

As I think of the bad times I also think of the good ones and it just makes the pain stronger, it makes the tears flow freer.

I know I have drove my friends and family members crazy with me constantly talking about this. And I truly don’t want to burden them. But when I talk it seems to ease the pain a bit. So here I am again writing in this journal that I’m sure no one will read but I know someone is out there at least. Maybe someone who is going through the same thing as me. If I came across you I wouldn’t say a word I would just walk up to you and hug you tightly as we both stood there holding one another up hoping the tears we shed and the warmth of our hug would somehow take away some of the pain.

I know people will tell you the pain will ease with time. Yes I beleive you but the journey through this dark forest of pain is very lonely very scary and all you want is someone holding your hand and helping you find your way out.

But then you have the worry of being a burden to them. So now your back in that dark forest alone. Its no ones fault but a choice you make. Why do you choose to walk alone and not be a burden because you fear of losing another loved one. And you know your heart can’t take another loss now or in the future.

So you find yourself sitting in a swing late at night listening to music in the cold on your front porch writing your words on a screen in a journal. Hoping that it will at least take a small piece of the pain with it when you hit post.

I’m not sure how long I will sit here maybe until dawn or maybe until my phone dies. I just don’t know. What I do know is I can’t stand to be inside with him and his words that turn into daggers. I just want it to pass, to please go away.

Never would I purposely inflict pain on someone, never would I want them to feel as I do now.

Someone anyone just hold my hand for a while. Let me feel your warmth.

Well I am sitting here relaxing at home watching some Netflix. When I got up this morning I was still feeling the pain as well as the lack of sleep. It was all starting to take its toll on me physically and mentally.

So I sat here drinking my coffee and just thinking of the past few days events. Thinking to myself ‘you know what self!  I’m not going to sit here and wallow in all this self pity!  I’m not going to sit here and listen to all his snide remarks just to jab them at me!  I am a strong woman and I am loved by someone who is more of a man in his little pinky then my husband is in his whole body!!’ Giving myself a pep talk. So I got up, got dressed and left the house this morning.

I had a very nice day, its mothers day, I went to my daughters house and spent the day with her and my grandson. Took her out shopping and got her a couple of outfits for mother’s day. Made me feel real good. Also got my grandson a couple of little outfits and a big stuffed lion. After that I went to a friends house and wished her a happy mothers day. Then I came home feeling tired but lighter. I was smiling after my day.

I have to say there is someone I have had in my corner through all of this. Someone who has been my light when it got to dark. Someone who has listened to me go on and on and never complained. Someone who has watched me cry but remaining silent until the tears were spent and held me with his words. He is my rock. He has been the one who has been holding me up. My boy.

I want to say thank you my boy for being my support system, my best friend, my love, my cheering squad, my patient boy. Whom I am very grateful for.

I may have relapses here and there. But I know I will come out just fine. I know I will also come out a stronger woman then I already am. And I have the greatest cheering squad a woman could ever ask for!!!!

I had a good day!

Well, my husband and I are getting divorced after 14 years of being together.

I’m excited that I will be happier. That my life will lead to bigger and better things. That I will finally feel free to explore what I wish. To be able to do as I please. To not have to worry about answering to someone else!  To be able to go out and purchase something for me and not feel guilty about it! I’m excited to finally live MY life!

I’m nervous about being on my own. I have been with this man for 14 years and we always did everything together. I never went out on my own and did something. Never just had a girl’s night out. Never just went and hung out with friends. Never went shopping or anything. We were ALWAYS together. That was my mistake. I have made myself so Dependant on this man that I’m nervous about starting over. And that is just not who I am. I have always led this marriage. I have always been a decision-maker. I have always done it all but be on my own. So now here I am sitting here with all these conflicting emotions running through my head. But knowing what I must do for me.

I’m scared of taking that first step. Creating my own independent life. Hell, I haven’t even figured out what that first step is. There is so much I want to do!  So much I want to begin!  But this damn fear is holding me back. I know I’m a strong woman!  I know I’m an independent woman!  So why the hell do I have these fears! ???? I don’t want them. I don’t want to be afraid to step out of my own front door and start my life! But nonetheless, they are there holding me back.

Sighs I know I need to take that first step for me. I feel it inside of myself. Sadly right now it’s buried in fear and I feel as if I’m just all over the place.

To be continued…….

As I sit here drinking my morning coffee thinking back on the past 14 years of my life all that continuously runs through my mind is ‘I have just had enough’.

I have had enough of being ignored. I have had enough of feeling like I’m just being used. I have had enough of not being touched. I have had enough of being made to feel as if I’m just an annoying bother that has to be kept around. I have had enough of loving whole heartedly but not receiving the same. I have had enough of being snapped at for no apparent reason. I have just had enough.

I am a woman, a lady who deserves to be treated as such. I deserve to be loved just as strongly as I give my love. I deserve to be supported with just as much support as I give. I deserve to be touched because I AM beautiful. I deserve to be treated as a human being I AM not a burden. I deserve to get what I give.

Throughout my 43 years of life I have worn my heart upon my shoulder. I was just recently told I am very empathic. This hit me in a confusing way. It made me feel wonderful but in the same breathe it made me feel idiotic. Because of this very strong emotion I have (empathy)  I have been torn apart bit by bit throughout my 43 years. But it is a big part of me. It is who I am. I love to care for people. I love to help people. I love to carry them when they feel they cannot walk. It brings me so much joy and happiness to see the sorrow, the pain leave thier eyes because I have taken their burdens away. But there are also repercussions to empathy.

These repercussions will tear you apart. As if a lion is hovering above you slashing your body with his mighty claws. While all you can do is lay there immobile feeling each slash of pain that rips through your body but unable to stop it. When the lion thinks he is done when he thinks he has left you for dead he looks into your eyes with no remorse turns and walks away. Your left laying there flayed wide open and bleeding out with emense pain.

But yet you still do not give up. You still have strength within you. So as you lay there you feed off this strength and heal yourself until you feel you are once again able to stand on your own two feet. Never changing who you are. Never letting the pain defeat the empathic human being you thrive to be. Why you ask?  How can you continue to be empathic towards the human race when all they do is whatch as the lion tears you apart?  Simple it is who I am.

I will always remain true to who I am because the pain doesn’t tear me apart, it doesn’t make me who I am. It doesn’t hold me down. It makes me stronger, it makes me more empathic, it makes me feel sorry for the people who feel they must hurt the ones who help them.

What does hurt me is knowing that I must let these people go. That I can no longer carry them. That I have to sit and watch as they struggle with their pain and sorrow. This is what hurts me. Because I want so badly to carry them again but know I cannot. Because in time the lion will reach my heart and rip it out. Then my strength my weapon will be no more. I must protect my weapon so I will always be able to defeat the lion. Show him I am stronger and you will bow down at my feet in submission. I will tame the lion to become my pet.

I have been rewarded though in the last year of these 43 years I have found my greatest weapon. I have found love, support, honesty, a pedestal that I can sit upon and will always hold me up no matter how heavy I become. My beautiful Arabian stallion that will run with the speed of greatness so the lion cannot catch me. My stallion that I can care for, support, love unconditionally, give my empathy to and know in my heart it will be protected. I have been greatly rewared.

So even though you feel as if ‘you have just had enough’ never give up because in time you will recieve your reward.