Tag: work

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Easter Weekend

I had a really nice Easter weekend, I got to spend some time with my sister. We went to Natural Bridge in Virginia and enjoyed a nice walk down the path and under the bridge. It was a bit hard for my sister because she has stage 4 bone cancer. But I am proud of her she did the whole walk down and back. I fear that she will not be with me for many more years so I take every opportunity I can to spend with her. I’m not sure what I am going to do when that day comes but I am hopeful she has some kind of miracle cure.

I also went to some friend’s house for Easter dinner. That was a very nice dinner and day. I was watching as their kids opened the Easter baskets from the “easter bunny” and it brought back memories of when I was a little girl and my mom would put out easter baskets for us and tell us that the “easter bunny” came. I sure do miss getting those easter baskets.  Maybe one day I’ll start getting an easter basket again😊😊

I have been doing alot of exercising and some dieting more like eating a bit healthier and cutting down on portion sizes. When I went to my friends house they had some pretting fatty foods and not so good food for diabetics, but I just went ahead and enjoyed myself a bit of the good food. But it is back to the strict routine tomorrow. Well this is going to be a short blog post, it is getting late for me and I’ll be going to bed soon as it’s back to work tomorrow.

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I Had a Meltdown Yesterday

The start of my day was going pretty well, I finished some errands that needed to be done. I was getting things accomplished which makes me feel better in my day-to-day life. I have always been the responsible person who has taken care of everything and everyone. I worked hard and raised my children. And now that they are grown and on their own, now that I am divorced and no longer have a husband to take care of I am a bit out of sorts. I have never really put myself first or even really paid attention to myself. I regret that because I believe that is why I am having the issues I am having now. If you put me in charge of taking care of someone else I am good as gold! I know exactly what to do. Now that it is just me I have no one to focus on but myself and that can be a bit scary.

I have been doing pretty well but I have also had a lot of help from my Master. And I am so very very very grateful every day that he has come into my life. For so many reasons but that is a post for another day. I received a text message a few weeks back about applying for a free sim card so I could change sim cards out on my phone. When I have to do anything that pertains to whether or not my phone will work again makes me very nervous and stressed out. I depend on my phone way too much and I know this, but when you live alone and your SO lives miles away from you your phone is like a lifeline to the outside world and your SO. I am most definitely an introvert. And sometimes my phone is the way I “visit” the outside world. And as strange as this may sound when I don’t feel like I can “people” I still want to communicate with the outside world. Some days my phone gets on my nerves and I just want it to be quiet but when I am granted that wish I become very lonely and I start to panic. Why do you ask, because I get this overwhelming feeling that I have been forgotten or they no longer have any use for me?  Stupid I know but it’s my head and I sadly have to live with what goes on in it. My Master has told me numerous times it is because of all the abuse I have endured from childhood to adulthood. Future counseling I know, one day I will get there. So back to the reason for this post.

I applied for the free sim card and I knew it was coming and I knew when it got here what I would have to do. I stressed over this the whole time I was waiting for it to arrive. It finally got here and my stress level increased significantly! I knew there was no way I was going to be able to do the switching of the two sim cards on my own. So I had to wait for Master and me to have an opportunity to get together via video chat so he could help me through it. Well, the whole time it was sitting here at my desk I would glance at it like it was an evil about to do me wrong. So my stress level just built and built while I was waiting to get together with Master. The time finally came that I had to do the deed! So Master and I got on a video call. He used TeamViewer to download an app that would back up my phone. We got that installed and started backing up my phone. I was ok at this point, naturally Master was the one doing the work. 😒I didn’t have to deal with it. We got that all done and then the time came that I had to switch the sim cards. I was trying to do it as the instructions said and I couldn’t get it to work. Yep, you guessed it the start of the meltdown, I tried several times to make it work like they were instructing but it just wouldn’t work. So Master must have seen the meltdown starting and he suggested that we leave it be for today and try to come back another time and finish it up. Well at this point I was halfway into my meltdown and I sure as hell didn’t want to sit here and continue to stress over changing out this damn sim card. Thoughts also were going through my head “what if I don’t get the new sim card to work and my phone stops working, am I going to have to get another one?! Am I going to be stuck without a phone for god knows how long?! How am I going to stay in contact with Master when I am not at home?! How are we going to do our nightly phone calls?! How are we going to communicate?! What if I am out and an emergency happens how do I get ahold of Master?!” Oh yeah, I was working up a real good panic mode. So I had to get this done whatever it took it needed to be done now or I would be stuck in panic mode. So I called the number that came with the paperwork for the new sim card. The agent on the other end walked me through everything and fixed it so the new sim card would work. Ok panic mode started to calm down some.  We finished up and I hung up the phone (Master is still in a video call with me the whole time) so now I am thinking all I have to do now is change the sim card out one more time and then I am DONE! No more stressing and worrying over getting this done. WRONG! I changed out the sim cards and it wouldn’t work and the meltdown re-started, Master talked to me and was doing his best to calm me down (he may not realize it but he did calm me down if it wouldn’t have been for him I don’t think I would have gotten through it all) I started to cry I was so scared my phone was lost to me forever. My brain was all over the place so I tried exchanging them again taking out the new sim card and putting the old back in (because we thought that one still works) no we were wrong. It no longer had service the agent switched everything over to the new sim card and it didn’t work either.

 

Full-blown meltdown now, I am crying hysterically the fear and stress of all this has come full-blown and my fear of no longer being able to have touch with Master was first and foremost. Master is trying to soothe me to calm me down, I am trying to calm down and trying to figure out how to fix this. Through the calming of Master and my brain working a fraction at that moment, I thought ok try and put the new one back in if it doesn’t work Master can call technical support for me and we can get this all figured out. So I put the new one back in and BAM the thing starts to work. Master and I were so relieved! He even did a bit of a happy dance. At this point in all of this, the stress and the fear had taken their toll on me and I broke. I just kept crying I couldn’t stop, I felt relief for sure but my poor brain and emotions were so raw that I just couldn’t get them stabilized. Master bought me a stuffed elephant one Christmas he is one of my prized possessions along with his brother Grizzly who is my stuffed bear. Well my elephant’s name is Bama and Master knows when I get like this I need something to hang onto (preferably him but you work with what you have) so he told me to go get Bama. I immediately did and came back and sat at my desk where Master was on video chat. He then told me I want you to hug Bama right now as if you were hugging me. So I did and as I was doing so he was saying very soothing words to me and telling me how good I did. That I was his good girl. I am so damn grateful for this man!!! Some days I feel like I don’t deserve him most days I feel like I wouldn’t survive without him. He succeeded in calming me down.

 

Meltdown over and Bama in arms, at this point I was just done and I knew I went into little mode. I kept Bama with me the rest of the evening. We had dinner together and watched a little bit of T.V (next time though I am picking the movie!). We went to bed and I was feeling so exhausted! I was laying there beside Bama and Grizzly watching TikTok like I do every night so I can wind down. Waiting for my nightly phone call with Master. He finally called but it was a short call, I was disappointed that it was a short call especially after the horrific evening I had just had. But I also took a lot of circumstances into consideration, Master hadn’t slept well at all the night before it was also a “school night” for him. He had also been on video chat with me for most of the evening. So when he said he would like to go to sleep obviously I didn’t want him to get off the phone just then but I also was concerned about his lack of sleep the night before and the fact that he had to work the next day. I didn’t want him going to work overly tired “again” and being around dangerous machinery while trying to deal with idiotic co-workers. So grudgingly I agreed to get off the phone so he could go to sleep. Well, I stayed up a bit longer watching TikTok until finally, I decided to try and go to sleep. I slept fitfully and had some very strange not so nice dreams and when I woke up yesterday evening was still on my mind. Running through my thoughts throughout the day. Thinking “what could I have done differently” or “why are you such an idiot and have to break down with the simplest thing“. Yeah torturing myself a bit (ok maybe a lot).

So I have been in my head most of the day, well Master always texts me during his lunch break and he asked me how I was doing and I told him. He again reassured me that I did well and it is all fixed now. So after talking with Master again and writing this post I am feeling better. But I am going to work on myself and my confidence.

This post is dedicated to you Master, thank you for always being there for me and holding me up when I need you. You are my rock, my love, and my hero. I love you so very much!

 

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Going to the Gym

I have been going to the gym on and off for about 4 years now. I had a previous membership at PF and I enjoyed that membership. But when covid hit it put a dent into my workout regimen. One, the gym reduced their hours and even closed for a period of time which put a dent into my attendance there. Sometimes it’s hard to schedule time to go to the gym when you have to schedule around work. Two, I didn’t particularly want to take a chance on my part to get covid so I didn’t take advantage of my membership.

Well after covid restrictions started easing up and the gym started staying open it’s normal hours more and more people started attending the gym. Which is understandable but made it very hard to get to a machine. This started making my workout sessions longer and putting me home later which would put me in a rush to get my shower, dinner and other routine things I do after work. So it made it difficult to get everything done before bedtime (work nights). So I was losing sleep and getting wore out from trying to keep up my schedule of work, gym and responsibilities for myself. So my gym time diminished some. Then it started getting more and more crowded (I don’t do well in crowds) so eventually I stopped going and was paying for a membership I never used. Well after paying for several months where I never even looked at the gym much less go I finally went in and cancelled my membership.

Several months went by with no gym no membership. Which at first I was ok with because of crowds and covid. But you see I very much enjoy going to the gym ( I know you’re like “WHAT!” 😉) it not only makes me feel better physically it is good for my mental status as well. I go in go straight to the locker room change into my gym clothes and then put in my headphones and turn my music on. That’s when the outside world fades away and I can escape. Much like when I play with my Master and I go into subspace. Although that escape is a bit deeper but it’s the same aspect. So I was missing my gym but I didn’t particularly want to go back to PF. Don’t get me wrong it’s a good gym it’s just a bit too crowded for me and makes it harder for me to escape.

Well a while back I met a man through the FB dating app and we dated for a bit (that is a story for another time) through him I met a very nice lady ‘his cousin’ and we hit it off pretty well. 😊 Come to find out she is the manager of the YMCA at first I didn’t think anything about it but then my sister was commenting she would like to be able to go somewhere that has a pool. So that got me thinking about the lady and the YMCA so I got in touch with her to see what it would cost me to join. She did some wrangling and got me a pretty good deal. So here we are again the member of another gym.

Well I will have to admit I wish I would have joined the YMCA before I did PF. It is a lot better and not as crowded (bonus!) So I started going kind of here and there nothing regular yet. But I was getting a good feel of it and enjoying the pool. My sister hasn’t found any slack in her schedule yet to be able to enjoy the pool but I’m hopeful. And the more I went the more regular I became. My Master and I also have a little incentive set up that if I go a whole week (Mon,Wed, Fri) I’d get a reward. Which is a very nice incentive but of course it isn’t expected. So far I have kept to that schedule the last couple of weeks.

Well we’re finally getting to the point of this post. You see the gym was only open a partial part of the day on Monday because it was a holiday and sadly they were closed before I got off work so I didn’t get to attend. I was a bit bummed and also my routine was thrown out of wack. Which doesn’t bode well for me! One I get “shook out of place” it’s hard to get myself back into place. So I figured I can just go Sunday and skip Monday for that week. Well I didn’t sleep well the night before so I as well as my body was just tired and I didn’t want to take the chance of injuring myself at the gym. Then I told myself I’ll just go Tuesday well other issues have stopped me from doing that. Are these excuses or real reasons? Well they’re in lays the rub. I’ve been tossing this around in my head. So now Wednesday is about to roll around ( one of my regular scheduled days) and now I am telling myself well I have a munch (dinner with friends) that Wednesday and I’m not sure I’ll have enough time to shower and get dressed if I work out.

Technically I would have enough time to work out and make it home in time to shower and dress. Now mind you I will have to go with wet hair and rush rush when I get home. So I’m here to get your vote/opinion on this. Excuse or legit? As I said before once I’m kicked out of my routine it is very hard for me to get back into it.

Thank you for reading this short story 😊 I just wrote. I do hope I hear from y’all on what verdict you come up with.