When it feels like there is no end in sight

When it feels like there is no end in sight

I have put off making this entry, for the simple fact that I have been burying a lot of what is now built up in me to a mountain form. But I know in the long run it will help to get it out there and off of my shoulders. It has been a hell of a year, and a hell of a couple of months. Let’s just say it all started on May 15, 2017, the day my husband decided to leave me high and dry. Before this date I had a life, I had security, and I had a home. It wasn’t the best, actually, it was quite miserable. But it was mine. And now, well I feel like a floating ship lost in space with no planet to call my own. Now you’re probably thinking to yourself, that was over a year ago you should be better, happier, right? Well yes, I am, I have a wonderful Master who gives me so much love it’s enough to fill any greedy king’s coffers. I am proudly owned by him and will always be loyal to him. Too, I have met someone else, a man I am now building a new and exciting relationship, he has a very kind and loving heart. I very much look forward to seeing where our relationship will lead us. There is more I wish to add to this subject, but I am not ready for that yet.

Ever since he walked out on me my life has been in a spiral. I have struggled on my own trying to get my security back. Trying to find my “home”. Sadly I have not yet found it. I am still feeling like that lost ship floating around in space. My Master has been my rock through it all. Without him, I wouldn’t have made it this far. I am still working on finding myself again. A lot of obstacles still seem to consistently get in my way. And just when I feel like I am becoming emotionally stable something comes along and knocks me right back into that deep dark black hole. I wrote this entry a few years back……

Looking through a glass wall, you see her as she huddles in the corner legs drawn to her chest as she holds tight to them, her head bowed to her knees, you see her shoulders as they shake slightly, and you feel in yourself her tears as you know they are falling down her cheeks. You look over to the side of you, you see him a man looking upon this child as well. But you know he does not know you are there, for you are invisible to him and the world. The little one looks up, you look back at her, and then you see hope, joy, and want, in her eyes. She stands and runs to the glass wall, to the man on the other side. He looks down at the child, then turns and walks away. The child screams and cries, “No! Please come back! Please don’t leave me alone!!!” Her tiny hands bang upon the glass wall, her tears flowing like a river down her face, as she watches him walk away. She crumples to the floor and weeps as if she had just died inside. You kneel down to her, the wall between you both. You want so badly to take the child in your arms, to hold her, give her strength, to let her know she is not alone. Your head bowed to the glass, your hands splayed on the wall trying to reach the child and comfort her. But then you realize the child is you, and you know you too are just as alone as this child within yourself. You weep for her and for yourself. Looking in you know you must stand strong and protect her as you are protecting yourself!………

Ever since I brought it from my mind to paper (screen) it has haunted me. From time to time it will creep back into my mind, or I will come here and read it. Even though I am the author, I still have not deciphered its true meaning to me. Maybe one day it will come. I added it because I feel it has some bearing on this entry, maybe by putting this out there to the public I may find some answers. My health has been giving me issues these past few months. I will now have to have surgery, it is a minor outpatient procedure. The Doctor said it won’t even last 5 minutes but it is surgery nonetheless. This has been weighing on my mind. The big C has also hit some members of my family, it just recently took my father from me a couple of weeks ago. I am still unsure of how I feel about this. My father and I were very close at one point in my life but sadly betrayal tore us apart. I didn’t tell him goodbye, but that was my choice. I think in my mind I wanted to remember him from my youth and not the man he had become. Regardless of his faults, he is still my father and I miss him. I stop and think, I can never just pick up the phone and call him, I’ll never be able to hug him one last time. I’ll never hear that quirky laugh of his again. I’m still trying to hash out my emotions on this. I have cried once over his passing, but nothing since. Things were starting to get better and then I had a setback. I lost a patient today too, yes, cancer. I immediately felt like it all just started over. I’m going to end it here for now, I will continue this another time…….

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