Category: Self reflect

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I Don’t Know Where This Will Go

I haven’t made a journal entry in quite some time, I thought maybe I’ll give it another try so here I go. It’s been kind of a whirlwind since the beginning of this year. A lot of things have changed and well we are all just trying to make it day by day.

When I was married raising my children taking care of my husband’s needs as well as the household everything seemed to be in order. I knew what I needed to do day by day, I stayed so busy that I really didn’t have time to think about myself. Or the fact of the matter is I never truly thought about myself. I focused on my kids and my husband at the time.

My two marriages were not easy ones. But I did survive them, just like I survived my childhood. See that’s just it, I am a survivor, I am strong and can make it through any hurdle life throws my way. So I thought, this year seems to be kicking my ass. The things I use to be able to handle and control are now controlling me. I have moments where I am truly happy in my life I mean I am so happy and satisfied where my life is now. And then there are moments when I feel like the world is crashing down on me, I feel alone and abandoned by everyone even though I know I am not. I know I am loved and wanted but something is catching up to me and I am not sure how to handle or control it. I focused so much energy on taking care of others that I never gave myself a second thought. And now that I am alone and there is only me in my household I have no one to focus on but myself. That is not necessarily a good thing.

It’s been suggested to me many times to seek counseling of any kind. That I really need to get help from someone else to be able to handle what is catching up to me. And of course, I would think “I don’t need counseling, I’ve handled this on my own for this long and can continue to do so”. Yeah, I am just lying to myself and I know I am.

You see I’m not used to talking to other people I am not used to telling people my troubles, I’m used to people telling me their problems and helping them fix them. But here of late, I am noticing that it is getting harder and harder for me to handle my past that is obviously coming back to haunt me. I have noticed that ever since I lost my middle child to suicide things have been a lot harder to deal with. Now it has definitely gotten to the point where I am not handling them I am burying them. But they are not staying buried they keep popping right back up to the surface to haunt me again.

I know I need to seek counseling, I know that if I don’t I may land somewhere I don’t want to be. It just isn’t as easy as just picking up a phone and making the appointment. It is a huge step and well I am trying very hard to work my way up to it.

I am going to end my journal entry here for the day. I am feeling a bit raw and way too open. I thank you for indulging in my ramblings and reading it to the end.

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Changes

I’ve been debating about writing this post for a while now, it may send a message to certain people or it may not. Either way I don’t wish to discuss this entry. I just wish to be able to write in my journal my true feelings to just be able to come here to be myself and unload without any reprimand or expectations of explaining. 

 Sometimes in our lives we go through trauma that will forever change our lives. You hold this in yourself, you never share and you never speak of it. Doing so always brings more trauma into your life. I as well as many people have been through a lot of trauma in my lifetime, now some would be forever changed by this and let the trauma run their lives. Or use it to gain attention and obedience from their loved ones or other people. I learned from a very young age if you dare speak of it it just brings more hurt, more pain, more distance. So you don’t speak of it, you just make yourself invisible. It was easier this way, the pain and trauma still came but you learned how to control the way it affected you. So you were able to live a “happier” life. 

 I did this for many years, well practically my whole life. But during the course of my later years I was presented with an outlet, this outlet pursued my past, my traumas, my feelings. My gut kept telling me to be quiet, just shut up! You’re just going to make it all explode in the end. But you see I didn’t listen to my gut (yeah I know stupid move, well no worries lesson learned) and it did just that. It blew up straight in my face. This goes back to the beginning of my writing, I am the one who is strong enough to hold my trauma. I made the mistake of thinking anyone else could. So now I am back to where I was don’t speak it just hold it in and do what you know. 

 So here I am again traveling the road I know. Will I miss things that were given to me for a short time, immensely.

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Changes 2

I see myself as Pandora’s box, normal on the outside. But scary and damaged on the inside. But what is the old fable? Never open Pandora’s box.   

Does this mean I’m in a better place well I don’t know? I honestly don’t know where I am, I am just here for now. Am I letting my trauma take over and control my life, no? I am the one in control of my life. I am the only one who is in control of my life. But I am no longer writing in the same book, I’ve closed that book, and there are no more chapters to be written. I am beginning a new book but I can say with no hesitation that it definitely feels different. How, well maybe along the way you will find these answers as I come here to share my feelings. To use this as an outlet for me. Because these are just blank pages and they aren’t brought to life by anyone but me. Only time will tell how this story will unfold…..

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Dark and Dreary Trees

I’m sitting here in my room ALONE looking out my window. The sun is shining, but that is not my main focus. I sit here and look at the dark and dreary trees that spring has not yet brought back to life. It reflects the way I feel right now. I have recently relocated, moved away from my friends and family. (Again) Also not quite a year ago my ‘soon to be’ ex-husband left me.

Since then I have been trying to pull my life together, and some things are improving. Some things are looking brighter. But the fact still remains I am alone. Some days I’m good, some days the loneliness surrounds me and it can be overwhelming. Today would be one of those days

Sure I’ve been told ‘get out there’ meet new people, make new friends. Hell, I’ve told this to myself a few times! But hearing it, saying it and doing it are entirely two different things. My experience with people has not been the best in my lifetime. And you start to build these walls and barricade yourself behind them. Do I wish to be locked in this box alone with nothing more than my own thoughts? No, I want to get out there meet new people, make new friends, learn new things! But thinking it, saying it, putting it into action is a whole other ball game.

So now I sit here in my room, the only space I have, and look out at the dark and dreary trees, wishing I wasn’t so alone.

Am I sitting here feeling sorry for myself, maybe, but this is my reality.

My Daddy helps, but he also has a whole separate life from us. And sometimes I feel I get in the way of his life and it makes me want to withdraw from the world more. This is no fault of his, we knew what the circumstances were before we decided to become a couple, to create our D/s. Do I regret it? No, but this is how I feel at times. Maybe it’s normal I don’t know. I just know these feelings creep in on me. I do consider him my SO, he IS my SO.  I would never betray him nor consider myself single. I am proudly owned by him. But you can’t control feelings that tend to creep in on you.

I have my good days and my bad days. Some days it doesn’t bother me at all, some days I sit in the dark and cry. I suppose it’s just human nature to have these off and on feelings. I will say today is one of my bad days.

I am very grateful for my Daddy, if it wasn’t for him, I don’t know where I would be. His love is a shining star in my dark and lonely world.

I figured if I wrote this post it would help, and it has somewhat. But I still look out my window at the dark and dreary trees wishing someone would ding my phone. At least then I’d have some company and maybe I’d focus on the sunshine instead.

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Bad Girl with Sweets

I have not been a very good girl the last few weeks, I’m supposed to ask my Daddy permission before I eat any sweets. And well I have been a bit more lonely these last few weeks as well as bored. So I ate a large number of sweets over the past few weeks. And I started feeling guilty about it as well as started gaining weight. So I confessed to my Daddy, at first I was making a joke of it. But then Daddy expressed his disappointment and it was no longer a joking matter. And now I’m sad and very angry with myself. I don’t like to disappointment my Daddy. But I did, so I am hoping that this entry will make my Daddy happy with me again.

I have a very hard time controlling my sweet intake and food intake as well. So if I just follow Daddy’s orders I would eat better. I’m sorry Daddy, I love you!

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Lunch with a Friend

Well, the beginning of my day was a bit stressful, I have a friend who also has a past with me. A bit of a sore spot for my Daddy. But of course, Daddy comes first in anything and everything. So I had a chat with Daddy about having lunch with this friend and letting him know (again) how our dynamic has changed. I was also nervous when said lunch came around that he may want to still carry on with what we did in our past. That would have meant I would have given up the friendship and went on my way. No way would I ever betray Daddy in any way.

So needless to say I sat here and stressed about it today, stressing if it was going to go the way I was playing it out in my head. Stressing is this bothering Daddy and he just isn’t saying anything. I in no way wanted to hurt Daddy, and I didn’t want to hurt my friend either. So many times I thought about just texting him and canceling the whole thing! It was becoming more trouble than it was worth! I stressed myself out so much that I was worn out by the time lunch came around.

But it did come around, and needless to say, I stressed for no reason what so ever! We actually had a nice pleasant lunch. We chatted about Daddy and me, we chatted about him and his girlfriend, we talked some about wine, and we also talked about a new diet he wants to try (no way can I remember the name of it lol) but it is something he wants to try for himself.  As for myself, I’m not interested in the diet nor am I interested in starting one. I don’t need to I have a Daddy! lol

But in the end, it was a nice lunch and I got to keep my friend. That made me happy and also my Daddy cause he knows now that my friend knows that is what we are, just friends. So I stressed for nothing all day. I was so aggravated with myself I came home and just started cleaning! That seems to help me. So I guess you can say it turned out to be a good day, I got a free lunch and my house is clean!!!!! Makes for a nice day off.

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The New Discovery I Made About Myself

Well it happen a few days ago, it has to do with my D/s. Something was off with me and my sub. He wasn’t feeling his role and I honestly wasn’t feeling mine for quite a while. We both started ‘talking’ and it got a bit heated and well frankly scary!  I thought I was about to lose the man I fell in love with. My heart was racing!  My pulse was thundering!  I was shaking and sweating!  But like he is, a very smart and observant man, he told me his feelings. He wasn’t feeling his submissiveness. I felt the fear just wash over me!  I just knew I was about to lose him. We talked some more. And I knew I had to finally admit to him what I had been feeling the last few months. But again I was hesitant, I was thinking. What if I tell him and he thinks I’m just saying it to keep him, what if he thinks I’m making it up. All these thoughts running through my head. But I knew regardless of what he might think, I had to tell him!  Or I would have regretted it forever. I was still pretty terrified to admit it. But eventually I got it out.

And than this miracle happen!  I mean once I admitted it and we talked it just flowed together naturally!  Like all the pieces to the puzzle just fell in place. It was like this HUGE burden was lifted off my shoulders!  And now I couldn’t be happier!!!!  It’s so wonderful that I now have the most greatest Daddy ever!  And I feel soooo comfortable, so happy being his babygirl!  The world looks and feels right now. It’s amazing how when the puzzle finally slides into place your life becomes so much brighter, better, amazing!!!!!  I am the most proud babygirl of my Daddy!  I am proud to be owned by him!