BDSM – My Outlet

September 30, 2025October 1, 2025

Back To Reality

Well, it’s back to everyday normal life. It’s been about 5 days since I looked in my Master’s pretty blue eyes. I miss him terribly, the hardest part is the last morning when we have to part ways again for who knows how long. 😔 We are shooting for spring when we can get back together again. I hope it happens, the situation isn’t an easy one to navigate.

But, I am so very happy I finally got to get together with him and actually spend time with him one on one. Touch him, hold him, KISS him! 💋 It was needed, my body and soul was craving all those things from him. Being in an LDR is extremely difficult. So when you get these in person moments you treasure them and hope that they get you through until the next time. So I am very grateful that I did get this time with him. It was the most human touch I’ve had in a very long time. We just spent some of the time reaquinting ourselves with one another, being close to each other. Even if it was just feeling the heat radiate from one another. We had some play time and some going out and having fun time.

Sadly though our visits have been cut down again to only 2 full days. That isn’t fair to me or him for that matter but it’s the cards we are dealt right now.

You make a great deal of sacrifices for the people you love. And I love that man with all my heart! I am eagerly awaiting the next time we can get together. Even if it is for a short period of time it’s still worth it to me. Every minute I get to spend with him is a treasured moment.

So here we are once again back in our respective places living our day to day lives. Just waiting for our next moments. Its hard when you first get home and you have all this spare time to think and rehash the time you had with him. You almost beg for vacation to be over so you can get back to work and occupy your thoughts. So here I am sitting at work 🙄 writing this post trying to occupy my thoughts and not mourn the loss of being in his presence. 😔

I get home and it’s just me and the 4 walls again. But I am still very grateful for what we do have. So back to every day life and just keep moving forward. I love you all! ❤️ Thanks for reading my post! 😊

March 12, 2024

For the Love of my Master

As some of you may already know my Master and I live 6 hours apart so it makes seeing one another a bit hard. He also has other circumstances that make it hard for us to visit. It’s these other circumstances that has brought me here to write about.

Because of these circumstances we are only allowed to see one another twice a year. But we’re grateful to have that. We deal with it and enjoy every minute we get to spend with one another.

Normally we try to make our first visit as soon as the first thaw! Which is somewhere around the end of April. Sadly this year his circumstances have prevented us from doing that, so our visit will be delayed for a month or two from our normal time.

This is hitting me and my Master pretty hard, you see we only had one visit last year because of other circumstances. Yes, a lot of circumstances in our lives. But isn’t that everyone? So, we are missing one another extra hard.

Sadly though in order to keep my Master safe it is paramount that we make this sacrifice. It isn’t easy and Master was very reluctant to do so, he is close to the point of “I don’t give a fuck” but as his submissive it’s also my duty and love to look out for him and point out the logical answer to the circumstances that are holding us back. His “I don’t give a fuck” attitude about it would cause him way more mental anguish than it would me because he is on the front line. No way am I letting that happen to him! So for now we will do what must be done for his safety.

But one day we will both be able to say “I don’t give a fuck” and do our own thing! I will hold you up my Master! Always and forever!

June 5, 2022February 24, 2023

I Had a Meltdown Yesterday

The start of my day was going pretty well, I finished some errands that needed to be done. I was getting things accomplished which makes me feel better in my day-to-day life. I have always been the responsible person who has taken care of everything and everyone. I worked hard and raised my children. And now that they are grown and on their own, now that I am divorced and no longer have a husband to take care of I am a bit out of sorts. I have never really put myself first or even really paid attention to myself. I regret that because I believe that is why I am having the issues I am having now. If you put me in charge of taking care of someone else I am good as gold! I know exactly what to do. Now that it is just me I have no one to focus on but myself and that can be a bit scary.

I have been doing pretty well but I have also had a lot of help from my Master. And I am so very very very grateful every day that he has come into my life. For so many reasons but that is a post for another day. I received a text message a few weeks back about applying for a free sim card so I could change sim cards out on my phone. When I have to do anything that pertains to whether or not my phone will work again makes me very nervous and stressed out. I depend on my phone way too much and I know this, but when you live alone and your SO lives miles away from you your phone is like a lifeline to the outside world and your SO. I am most definitely an introvert. And sometimes my phone is the way I “visit” the outside world. And as strange as this may sound when I don’t feel like I can “people” I still want to communicate with the outside world. Some days my phone gets on my nerves and I just want it to be quiet but when I am granted that wish I become very lonely and I start to panic. Why do you ask, because I get this overwhelming feeling that I have been forgotten or they no longer have any use for me? Stupid I know but it’s my head and I sadly have to live with what goes on in it. My Master has told me numerous times it is because of all the abuse I have endured from childhood to adulthood. Future counseling I know, one day I will get there. So back to the reason for this post.

I applied for the free sim card and I knew it was coming and I knew when it got here what I would have to do. I stressed over this the whole time I was waiting for it to arrive. It finally got here and my stress level increased significantly! I knew there was no way I was going to be able to do the switching of the two sim cards on my own. So I had to wait for Master and me to have an opportunity to get together via video chat so he could help me through it. Well, the whole time it was sitting here at my desk I would glance at it like it was an evil about to do me wrong. So my stress level just built and built while I was waiting to get together with Master. The time finally came that I had to do the deed! So Master and I got on a video call. He used TeamViewer to download an app that would back up my phone. We got that installed and started backing up my phone. I was ok at this point, naturally Master was the one doing the work. 😒I didn’t have to deal with it. We got that all done and then the time came that I had to switch the sim cards. I was trying to do it as the instructions said and I couldn’t get it to work. Yep, you guessed it the start of the meltdown, I tried several times to make it work like they were instructing but it just wouldn’t work. So Master must have seen the meltdown starting and he suggested that we leave it be for today and try to come back another time and finish it up. Well at this point I was halfway into my meltdown and I sure as hell didn’t want to sit here and continue to stress over changing out this damn sim card. Thoughts also were going through my head “what if I don’t get the new sim card to work and my phone stops working, am I going to have to get another one?! Am I going to be stuck without a phone for god knows how long?! How am I going to stay in contact with Master when I am not at home?! How are we going to do our nightly phone calls?! How are we going to communicate?! What if I am out and an emergency happens how do I get ahold of Master?!” Oh yeah, I was working up a real good panic mode. So I had to get this done whatever it took it needed to be done now or I would be stuck in panic mode. So I called the number that came with the paperwork for the new sim card. The agent on the other end walked me through everything and fixed it so the new sim card would work. Ok panic mode started to calm down some. We finished up and I hung up the phone (Master is still in a video call with me the whole time) so now I am thinking all I have to do now is change the sim card out one more time and then I am DONE! No more stressing and worrying over getting this done. WRONG! I changed out the sim cards and it wouldn’t work and the meltdown re-started, Master talked to me and was doing his best to calm me down (he may not realize it but he did calm me down if it wouldn’t have been for him I don’t think I would have gotten through it all) I started to cry I was so scared my phone was lost to me forever. My brain was all over the place so I tried exchanging them again taking out the new sim card and putting the old back in (because we thought that one still works) no we were wrong. It no longer had service the agent switched everything over to the new sim card and it didn’t work either.

Full-blown meltdown now, I am crying hysterically the fear and stress of all this has come full-blown and my fear of no longer being able to have touch with Master was first and foremost. Master is trying to soothe me to calm me down, I am trying to calm down and trying to figure out how to fix this. Through the calming of Master and my brain working a fraction at that moment, I thought ok try and put the new one back in if it doesn’t work Master can call technical support for me and we can get this all figured out. So I put the new one back in and BAM the thing starts to work. Master and I were so relieved! He even did a bit of a happy dance. At this point in all of this, the stress and the fear had taken their toll on me and I broke. I just kept crying I couldn’t stop, I felt relief for sure but my poor brain and emotions were so raw that I just couldn’t get them stabilized. Master bought me a stuffed elephant one Christmas he is one of my prized possessions along with his brother Grizzly who is my stuffed bear. Well my elephant’s name is Bama and Master knows when I get like this I need something to hang onto (preferably him but you work with what you have) so he told me to go get Bama. I immediately did and came back and sat at my desk where Master was on video chat. He then told me I want you to hug Bama right now as if you were hugging me. So I did and as I was doing so he was saying very soothing words to me and telling me how good I did. That I was his good girl. I am so damn grateful for this man!!! Some days I feel like I don’t deserve him most days I feel like I wouldn’t survive without him. He succeeded in calming me down.

Meltdown over and Bama in arms, at this point I was just done and I knew I went into little mode. I kept Bama with me the rest of the evening. We had dinner together and watched a little bit of T.V (next time though I am picking the movie!). We went to bed and I was feeling so exhausted! I was laying there beside Bama and Grizzly watching TikTok like I do every night so I can wind down. Waiting for my nightly phone call with Master. He finally called but it was a short call, I was disappointed that it was a short call especially after the horrific evening I had just had. But I also took a lot of circumstances into consideration, Master hadn’t slept well at all the night before it was also a “school night” for him. He had also been on video chat with me for most of the evening. So when he said he would like to go to sleep obviously I didn’t want him to get off the phone just then but I also was concerned about his lack of sleep the night before and the fact that he had to work the next day. I didn’t want him going to work overly tired “again” and being around dangerous machinery while trying to deal with idiotic co-workers. So grudgingly I agreed to get off the phone so he could go to sleep. Well, I stayed up a bit longer watching TikTok until finally, I decided to try and go to sleep. I slept fitfully and had some very strange not so nice dreams and when I woke up yesterday evening was still on my mind. Running through my thoughts throughout the day. Thinking “what could I have done differently” or “why are you such an idiot and have to break down with the simplest thing“. Yeah torturing myself a bit (ok maybe a lot).

So I have been in my head most of the day, well Master always texts me during his lunch break and he asked me how I was doing and I told him. He again reassured me that I did well and it is all fixed now. So after talking with Master again and writing this post I am feeling better. But I am going to work on myself and my confidence.

This post is dedicated to you Master, thank you for always being there for me and holding me up when I need you. You are my rock, my love, and my hero. I love you so very much!

May 31, 2022February 24, 2023

Going to the Gym

I have been going to the gym on and off for about 4 years now. I had a previous membership at PF and I enjoyed that membership. But when covid hit it put a dent into my workout regimen. One, the gym reduced their hours and even closed for a period of time which put a dent into my attendance there. Sometimes it’s hard to schedule time to go to the gym when you have to schedule around work. Two, I didn’t particularly want to take a chance on my part to get covid so I didn’t take advantage of my membership.

Well after covid restrictions started easing up and the gym started staying open it’s normal hours more and more people started attending the gym. Which is understandable but made it very hard to get to a machine. This started making my workout sessions longer and putting me home later which would put me in a rush to get my shower, dinner and other routine things I do after work. So it made it difficult to get everything done before bedtime (work nights). So I was losing sleep and getting wore out from trying to keep up my schedule of work, gym and responsibilities for myself. So my gym time diminished some. Then it started getting more and more crowded (I don’t do well in crowds) so eventually I stopped going and was paying for a membership I never used. Well after paying for several months where I never even looked at the gym much less go I finally went in and cancelled my membership.

Several months went by with no gym no membership. Which at first I was ok with because of crowds and covid. But you see I very much enjoy going to the gym ( I know you’re like “WHAT!” 😉) it not only makes me feel better physically it is good for my mental status as well. I go in go straight to the locker room change into my gym clothes and then put in my headphones and turn my music on. That’s when the outside world fades away and I can escape. Much like when I play with my Master and I go into subspace. Although that escape is a bit deeper but it’s the same aspect. So I was missing my gym but I didn’t particularly want to go back to PF. Don’t get me wrong it’s a good gym it’s just a bit too crowded for me and makes it harder for me to escape.

Well a while back I met a man through the FB dating app and we dated for a bit (that is a story for another time) through him I met a very nice lady ‘his cousin’ and we hit it off pretty well. 😊 Come to find out she is the manager of the YMCA at first I didn’t think anything about it but then my sister was commenting she would like to be able to go somewhere that has a pool. So that got me thinking about the lady and the YMCA so I got in touch with her to see what it would cost me to join. She did some wrangling and got me a pretty good deal. So here we are again the member of another gym.

Well I will have to admit I wish I would have joined the YMCA before I did PF. It is a lot better and not as crowded (bonus!) So I started going kind of here and there nothing regular yet. But I was getting a good feel of it and enjoying the pool. My sister hasn’t found any slack in her schedule yet to be able to enjoy the pool but I’m hopeful. And the more I went the more regular I became. My Master and I also have a little incentive set up that if I go a whole week (Mon,Wed, Fri) I’d get a reward. Which is a very nice incentive but of course it isn’t expected. So far I have kept to that schedule the last couple of weeks.

Well we’re finally getting to the point of this post. You see the gym was only open a partial part of the day on Monday because it was a holiday and sadly they were closed before I got off work so I didn’t get to attend. I was a bit bummed and also my routine was thrown out of wack. Which doesn’t bode well for me! One I get “shook out of place” it’s hard to get myself back into place. So I figured I can just go Sunday and skip Monday for that week. Well I didn’t sleep well the night before so I as well as my body was just tired and I didn’t want to take the chance of injuring myself at the gym. Then I told myself I’ll just go Tuesday well other issues have stopped me from doing that. Are these excuses or real reasons? Well they’re in lays the rub. I’ve been tossing this around in my head. So now Wednesday is about to roll around ( one of my regular scheduled days) and now I am telling myself well I have a munch (dinner with friends) that Wednesday and I’m not sure I’ll have enough time to shower and get dressed if I work out.

Technically I would have enough time to work out and make it home in time to shower and dress. Now mind you I will have to go with wet hair and rush rush when I get home. So I’m here to get your vote/opinion on this. Excuse or legit? As I said before once I’m kicked out of my routine it is very hard for me to get back into it.

Thank you for reading this short story 😊 I just wrote. I do hope I hear from y’all on what verdict you come up with.

May 29, 2022February 24, 2023

I Went to My First Swinger Party Last Night

It was an interesting experience, I was excited to go and I even wore a bit of a sexy outfit. But I must admit after being there for an hour or so I regretted my choice of clothing. You see this particular swinger party was a bit geriatric! The beginning of the party was going fairly well after I arrived with some friends of mine I also discovered other friends of mine had also shown up. I was very happy about that, I love to socialize. Which are a very big step for me and a very big change considering I am most definitely an introvert. But if I am pushed just a bit I will venture out into the world of kink events.

Well, when I first arrived we went in the front door and through the house making our way to the backyard. They had chairs and such set up around a burn pit on a concrete patio. It was very nice looking and relaxing. We sat around and was have some nice conversations with my friends that had attended this event. After a while, I and some other friends of mine were curious about what goes on inside so we all ventured upstairs to take a look. What we saw wasn’t very surprising to see but I must admit it was a bit different. You see my career is taking care of the elderly so seeing a naked elderly isn’t really a big deal considering I’ve seen just about any kind of naked elderly person in my 30+ years of doing this. But to see the elderly in action was a totally different ballgame! I may never look at my clients the same way again! I must say though I sure hope I am that spry at that age.

Ok, back to the subject I was originally on, my choice of clothing. I will attend another party but I will not adventure in sexy clothing. I felt like I was fresh meat in a room full of wolves!! Being one of the younger people there (there were a few of us) it was like open season for the geriatrics! One of them got a little too handsy for me when I was in the process of leaving, which rubbed my comfort level a bit too much and gave me a lot of pause in my consideration of attending another party. But this person was a little inebriated so I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t share that part with my SO so I am sure after he reads this there will be some questions and also some explanations.

But all in all, I did have a nice time. I am excited about the next party and I look forward to seeing my friends and sitting around the fire while we have nice conversations. Until the next time……..

May 21, 2022February 24, 2023

I Don’t Know Where This Will Go

I haven’t made a journal entry in quite some time, I thought maybe I’ll give it another try so here I go. It’s been kind of a whirlwind since the beginning of this year. A lot of things have changed and well we are all just trying to make it day by day.

When I was married raising my children taking care of my husband’s needs as well as the household everything seemed to be in order. I knew what I needed to do day by day, I stayed so busy that I really didn’t have time to think about myself. Or the fact of the matter is I never truly thought about myself. I focused on my kids and my husband at the time.

My two marriages were not easy ones. But I did survive them, just like I survived my childhood. See that’s just it, I am a survivor, I am strong and can make it through any hurdle life throws my way. So I thought, this year seems to be kicking my ass. The things I use to be able to handle and control are now controlling me. I have moments where I am truly happy in my life I mean I am so happy and satisfied where my life is now. And then there are moments when I feel like the world is crashing down on me, I feel alone and abandoned by everyone even though I know I am not. I know I am loved and wanted but something is catching up to me and I am not sure how to handle or control it. I focused so much energy on taking care of others that I never gave myself a second thought. And now that I am alone and there is only me in my household I have no one to focus on but myself. That is not necessarily a good thing.

It’s been suggested to me many times to seek counseling of any kind. That I really need to get help from someone else to be able to handle what is catching up to me. And of course, I would think “I don’t need counseling, I’ve handled this on my own for this long and can continue to do so”. Yeah, I am just lying to myself and I know I am.

You see I’m not used to talking to other people I am not used to telling people my troubles, I’m used to people telling me their problems and helping them fix them. But here of late, I am noticing that it is getting harder and harder for me to handle my past that is obviously coming back to haunt me. I have noticed that ever since I lost my middle child to suicide things have been a lot harder to deal with. Now it has definitely gotten to the point where I am not handling them I am burying them. But they are not staying buried they keep popping right back up to the surface to haunt me again.

I know I need to seek counseling, I know that if I don’t I may land somewhere I don’t want to be. It just isn’t as easy as just picking up a phone and making the appointment. It is a huge step and well I am trying very hard to work my way up to it.

I am going to end my journal entry here for the day. I am feeling a bit raw and way too open. I thank you for indulging in my ramblings and reading it to the end.

May 20, 2020February 24, 2023

LDR Dominance

My Dom and I were having a discussion yesterday afternoon. It was about doming from a distance. Before I felt that I couldn’t express myself in these journal entries. I felt that my D/s would be put on the line and I’d find myself alone. But I feel more confident now with the constant reassurance that I receive from my Dom that our D/s is strong and will last till the end and a day.

So here I am expressing my thoughts and feelings. As I was saying in the beginning he and I were discussing long distance doming, we have two different opinions of it. He feels it isn’t real, that it is just words. There is no physicality in it, no touch, no meaning, it holds no merit and not worth the work in an LDR. And I respect the way he feels he’d rather the kink part of our relationship be face to face and pretty much have a vanilla one while we’re apart. Now this being said he was willing to put his feelings aside and do a test trial for a month to see if he could have a change of opinions/wants in regards to doming in an LDR. I respect how feels and greatly appreciate the fact that he was willing to do this for ME.

But as he loves me enough to make this sacrifice for my happiness I love him enough to not ask this of him. You see it would make me happy, I would feel so much more! I would be grounded, I’d feel so much more secure and fulfilled. I need the dominance in my life, it’s so much more to me then a bunch of words. I’m sure all you subs out there know exactly what I’m trying to say. I want it so bad that I can literally taste it! I crave it! I need it! I find that sometimes I beg for it.

But sadly if he’s only doing it to make me happy and he doesn’t get joy or happiness out of it then it’s all null and void. 😔 I can’t receive what I need if he is not receiving what he needs as well. So here I am at a stand still with no good solution in my future. The only solution that I see is to do what makes him happy and keep my needs and wants suppressed until we can see one another face to face. Now I know for a fact once he reads this he will disagree with my solution and not be happy with how I feel. He’s a fixer and he does everything in his power to assure that I am happy and well taken care of. He is a beautiful Dominant/Master to me. I am very proud to be owned by him. We have a great relationship except for this one conundrum.

I feel better but also sad after writing this jornal entry. But at least it’s out there and I don’t feel like I’m holding it all up alone. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

October 24, 2019February 24, 2023

Changes

I’ve been debating about writing this post for a while now, it may send a message to certain people or it may not. Either way I don’t wish to discuss this entry. I just wish to be able to write in my journal my true feelings to just be able to come here to be myself and unload without any reprimand or expectations of explaining.

Sometimes in our lives we go through trauma that will forever change our lives. You hold this in yourself, you never share and you never speak of it. Doing so always brings more trauma into your life. I as well as many people have been through a lot of trauma in my lifetime, now some would be forever changed by this and let the trauma run their lives. Or use it to gain attention and obedience from their loved ones or other people. I learned from a very young age if you dare speak of it it just brings more hurt, more pain, more distance. So you don’t speak of it, you just make yourself invisible. It was easier this way, the pain and trauma still came but you learned how to control the way it affected you. So you were able to live a “happier” life.

I did this for many years, well practically my whole life. But during the course of my later years I was presented with an outlet, this outlet pursued my past, my traumas, my feelings. My gut kept telling me to be quiet, just shut up! You’re just going to make it all explode in the end. But you see I didn’t listen to my gut (yeah I know stupid move, well no worries lesson learned) and it did just that. It blew up straight in my face. This goes back to the beginning of my writing, I am the one who is strong enough to hold my trauma. I made the mistake of thinking anyone else could. So now I am back to where I was don’t speak it just hold it in and do what you know.

So here I am again traveling the road I know. Will I miss things that were given to me for a short time, immensely.

October 24, 2019February 24, 2023

Changes 2

I see myself as Pandora’s box, normal on the outside. But scary and damaged on the inside. But what is the old fable? Never open Pandora’s box.

Does this mean I’m in a better place well I don’t know? I honestly don’t know where I am, I am just here for now. Am I letting my trauma take over and control my life, no? I am the one in control of my life. I am the only one who is in control of my life. But I am no longer writing in the same book, I’ve closed that book, and there are no more chapters to be written. I am beginning a new book but I can say with no hesitation that it definitely feels different. How, well maybe along the way you will find these answers as I come here to share my feelings. To use this as an outlet for me. Because these are just blank pages and they aren’t brought to life by anyone but me. Only time will tell how this story will unfold…..

June 17, 2018February 24, 2023

Daddy’s Day

My Daddy is a great man. I have been blessed with him in my life. The day I met him I knew there was something special about him. Now he is very special to me. He is my world, my everything! I’ve never felt as dedicated and loyal to anyone as much as I do to my Daddy.

Throughout the time we have been together he has taught me so much and still is, he has shown me this whole other world I never knew existed! A world I believed was fantasy only. But now know it can be reality.

The man I believe my Daddy is the greatest man that has ever come into my life. He is extremely loving, caring, and loyal! He is honest, and his guidance has shown me so much, and it does every day. His Dominance makes me feel safe, secure, cared for, and loved! He makes me feel like I’m someone special. He is an extraordinarily selfless person. He gives and never expects anything in return. He is a wonderful man! A beautiful human being! And if you are lucky enough to have any part of him in your life, then you are TRULY blessed! Because to ME he IS the greatest man alive!

I am so honored for him to be my Daddy, my Dominant, my Master. I am his property in every form. I belong to his mind, body, and soul. I am solely dedicated to him. I am loyal 100% to him. He is my Daddy! I love you, Daddy.