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I Went to My First Swinger Party Last Night

It was an interesting experience, I was excited to go and I even wore a bit of a sexy outfit. But I must admit after being there for an hour or so I regretted my choice of clothing. You see this particular swinger party was a bit geriatric! The beginning of the party was going fairly well after I arrived with some friends of mine I also discovered other friends of mine had also shown up. I was very happy about that, I love to socialize. Which are a very big step for me and a very big change considering I am most definitely an introvert. But if I am pushed just a bit I will venture out into the world of kink events.

Well, when I first arrived we went in the front door and through the house making our way to the backyard. They had chairs and such set up around a burn pit on a concrete patio. It was very nice looking and relaxing. We sat around and was have some nice conversations with my friends that had attended this event. After a while, I and some other friends of mine were curious about what goes on inside so we all ventured upstairs to take a look. What we saw wasn’t very surprising to see but I must admit it was a bit different. You see my career is taking care of the elderly so seeing a naked elderly isn’t really a big deal considering I’ve seen just about any kind of naked elderly person in my 30+ years of doing this. But to see the elderly in action was a totally different ballgame! I may never look at my clients the same way again! I must say though I sure hope I am that spry at that age.

Ok, back to the subject I was originally on, my choice of clothing. I will attend another party but I will not adventure in sexy clothing. I felt like I was fresh meat in a room full of wolves!! Being one of the younger people there (there were a few of us) it was like open season for the geriatrics! One of them got a little too handsy for me when I was in the process of leaving, which rubbed my comfort level a bit too much and gave me a lot of pause in my consideration of attending another party. But this person was a little inebriated so I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t share that part with my SO so I am sure after he reads this there will be some questions and also some explanations.

But all in all, I did have a nice time. I am excited about the next party and I look forward to seeing my friends and sitting around the fire while we have nice conversations. Until the next time……..

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I Don’t Know Where This Will Go

I haven’t made a journal entry in quite some time, I thought maybe I’ll give it another try so here I go. It’s been kind of a whirlwind since the beginning of this year. A lot of things have changed and well we are all just trying to make it day by day.

When I was married raising my children taking care of my husband’s needs as well as the household everything seemed to be in order. I knew what I needed to do day by day, I stayed so busy that I really didn’t have time to think about myself. Or the fact of the matter is I never truly thought about myself. I focused on my kids and my husband at the time.

My two marriages were not easy ones. But I did survive them, just like I survived my childhood. See that’s just it, I am a survivor, I am strong and can make it through any hurdle life throws my way. So I thought, this year seems to be kicking my ass. The things I use to be able to handle and control are now controlling me. I have moments where I am truly happy in my life I mean I am so happy and satisfied where my life is now. And then there are moments when I feel like the world is crashing down on me, I feel alone and abandoned by everyone even though I know I am not. I know I am loved and wanted but something is catching up to me and I am not sure how to handle or control it. I focused so much energy on taking care of others that I never gave myself a second thought. And now that I am alone and there is only me in my household I have no one to focus on but myself. That is not necessarily a good thing.

It’s been suggested to me many times to seek counseling of any kind. That I really need to get help from someone else to be able to handle what is catching up to me. And of course, I would think “I don’t need counseling, I’ve handled this on my own for this long and can continue to do so”. Yeah, I am just lying to myself and I know I am.

You see I’m not used to talking to other people I am not used to telling people my troubles, I’m used to people telling me their problems and helping them fix them. But here of late, I am noticing that it is getting harder and harder for me to handle my past that is obviously coming back to haunt me. I have noticed that ever since I lost my middle child to suicide things have been a lot harder to deal with. Now it has definitely gotten to the point where I am not handling them I am burying them. But they are not staying buried they keep popping right back up to the surface to haunt me again.

I know I need to seek counseling, I know that if I don’t I may land somewhere I don’t want to be. It just isn’t as easy as just picking up a phone and making the appointment. It is a huge step and well I am trying very hard to work my way up to it.

I am going to end my journal entry here for the day. I am feeling a bit raw and way too open. I thank you for indulging in my ramblings and reading it to the end.

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LDR Dominance

My Dom and I were having a discussion yesterday afternoon. It was about doming from a distance. Before I felt that I couldn’t express myself in these journal entries. I felt that my D/s would be put on the line and I’d find myself alone. But I feel more confident now with the constant reassurance that I receive from my Dom that our D/s is strong and will last till the end and a day.

So here I am expressing my thoughts and feelings. As I was saying in the beginning he and I were discussing long distance doming, we have two different opinions of it. He feels it isn’t real, that it is just words. There is no physicality in it, no touch, no meaning, it holds no merit and not worth the work in an LDR. And I respect the way he feels he’d rather the kink part of our relationship be face to face and pretty much have a vanilla one while we’re apart. Now this being said he was willing to put his feelings aside and do a test trial for a month to see if he could have a change of opinions/wants in regards to doming in an LDR. I respect how feels and greatly appreciate the fact that he was willing to do this for ME.

But as he loves me enough to make this sacrifice for my happiness I love him enough to not ask this of him. You see it would make me happy, I would feel so much more! I would be grounded, I’d feel so much more secure and fulfilled. I need the dominance in my life, it’s so much more to me then a bunch of words. I’m sure all you subs out there know exactly what I’m trying to say. I want it so bad that I can literally taste it! I crave it! I need it! I find that sometimes I beg for it.

But sadly if he’s only doing it to make me happy and he doesn’t get joy or happiness out of it then it’s all null and void. 😔 I can’t receive what I need if he is not receiving what he needs as well. So here I am at a stand still with no good solution in my future. The only solution that I see is to do what makes him happy and keep my needs and wants suppressed until we can see one another face to face. Now I know for a fact once he reads this he will disagree with my solution and not be happy with how I feel. He’s a fixer and he does everything in his power to assure that I am happy and well taken care of. He is a beautiful Dominant/Master to me. I am very proud to be owned by him. We have a great relationship except for this one conundrum.

I feel better but also sad after writing this jornal entry. But at least it’s out there and I don’t feel like I’m holding it all up alone. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

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Support in getting Healthier

Well I’ve noticed in the last few months that I am gaining weight, I was maintaining before. But since the virus has hit and my gym is closed it’s been alot harder! So I’ve been trying to cut back on my food intake. It’s been a back and forth battle. And not really having anyone to support me or keep me in check, it’s been even harder!

I was hoping to incorporate my Masters help but that didn’t work out as I’d hope. But a long time friend of mine (ex sub) came back into my life probably about six months ago, he is also over weight and trying to lose weight as well. He was also doing it alone with no results in sight! So I started encouraging him as well as praising him when he accomplished a goal! And I’ve been doing this for him for a few months and it’s been helping him with his weight loss as well as emotionally.

Well today he started checking me and helping me stay on track. And wow! What a difference it is to have that kind of support! It honestly makes all the difference in the world.

I’m putting this out here to see if I can get some ideas on how to better support him and also to help me along as well. So any advice or success stories are very much welcomed.

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Changes

I’ve been debating about writing this post for a while now, it may send a message to certain people or it may not. Either way I don’t wish to discuss this entry. I just wish to be able to write in my journal my true feelings to just be able to come here to be myself and unload without any reprimand or expectations of explaining. 

 Sometimes in our lives we go through trauma that will forever change our lives. You hold this in yourself, you never share and you never speak of it. Doing so always brings more trauma into your life. I as well as many people have been through a lot of trauma in my lifetime, now some would be forever changed by this and let the trauma run their lives. Or use it to gain attention and obedience from their loved ones or other people. I learned from a very young age if you dare speak of it it just brings more hurt, more pain, more distance. So you don’t speak of it, you just make yourself invisible. It was easier this way, the pain and trauma still came but you learned how to control the way it affected you. So you were able to live a “happier” life. 

 I did this for many years, well practically my whole life. But during the course of my later years I was presented with an outlet, this outlet pursued my past, my traumas, my feelings. My gut kept telling me to be quiet, just shut up! You’re just going to make it all explode in the end. But you see I didn’t listen to my gut (yeah I know stupid move, well no worries lesson learned) and it did just that. It blew up straight in my face. This goes back to the beginning of my writing, I am the one who is strong enough to hold my trauma. I made the mistake of thinking anyone else could. So now I am back to where I was don’t speak it just hold it in and do what you know. 

 So here I am again traveling the road I know. Will I miss things that were given to me for a short time, immensely.

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Changes 2

I see myself as Pandora’s box, normal on the outside. But scary and damaged on the inside. But what is the old fable? Never open Pandora’s box.   

Does this mean I’m in a better place well I don’t know? I honestly don’t know where I am, I am just here for now. Am I letting my trauma take over and control my life, no? I am the one in control of my life. I am the only one who is in control of my life. But I am no longer writing in the same book, I’ve closed that book, and there are no more chapters to be written. I am beginning a new book but I can say with no hesitation that it definitely feels different. How, well maybe along the way you will find these answers as I come here to share my feelings. To use this as an outlet for me. Because these are just blank pages and they aren’t brought to life by anyone but me. Only time will tell how this story will unfold…..

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Trust, Change, Life

They all interact with one another. If you lose one it inevitably puts a chink in the chain. Makes the chain weaker and unstable. We will have changes in our lives that will create such chaos, pain, and irreversible consequences, they will bring us literally to our knees. We wonder if we will ever get back up again, some days we are barely able to lift one leg and kneel on a knee. Until we are knocked right back down again. Over and over this happens until we think, I can’t take anymore! I just want it to stop! And some of us, the ones who are just beaten down too much, their chain is unrepairable. So they give in to what they think will bring them peace. But it doesn’t bring peace, it only brings unbearable pain to the people who love them. I do not consider the beaten down ones weak, just in too much pain to carry on their own.

I have fought within myself about writing this post, you see my daughter committed suicide and I am having a very hard time coming to terms with it. As I sit here and write this the tears are flowing from my eyes. I feel as if my very heart has been ripped from my chest. I don’t know when or if this pain will ever go away. I wish I knew how to make it easier because it is an unbearable pain, it will beat you down to your knees. I don’t know how to make it easier for me. I am here writing this because I know I have burdened my family and friends with this so much that they have been tired of hearing it from me. But it just keeps coming back feeling like that first day that I found out. When I got that god-awful phone call! “Your child is dead.”

Can someone please just tell me how the hell you make the pain and sorrow go away? Was it my fault?? Should I have done more for my child? Should I have protected her????? Anyone please just tell me how????

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When it feels like there is no end in sight

I have put off making this entry, for the simple fact that I have been burying a lot of what is now built up in me to a mountain form. But I know in the long run it will help to get it out there and off of my shoulders. It has been a hell of a year, and a hell of a couple of months. Let’s just say it all started on May 15, 2017, the day my husband decided to leave me high and dry. Before this date I had a life, I had security, and I had a home. It wasn’t the best, actually, it was quite miserable. But it was mine. And now, well I feel like a floating ship lost in space with no planet to call my own. Now you’re probably thinking to yourself, that was over a year ago you should be better, happier, right? Well yes, I am, I have a wonderful Master who gives me so much love it’s enough to fill any greedy king’s coffers. I am proudly owned by him and will always be loyal to him. Too, I have met someone else, a man I am now building a new and exciting relationship, he has a very kind and loving heart. I very much look forward to seeing where our relationship will lead us. There is more I wish to add to this subject, but I am not ready for that yet.

Ever since he walked out on me my life has been in a spiral. I have struggled on my own trying to get my security back. Trying to find my “home”. Sadly I have not yet found it. I am still feeling like that lost ship floating around in space. My Master has been my rock through it all. Without him, I wouldn’t have made it this far. I am still working on finding myself again. A lot of obstacles still seem to consistently get in my way. And just when I feel like I am becoming emotionally stable something comes along and knocks me right back into that deep dark black hole. I wrote this entry a few years back……

Looking through a glass wall, you see her as she huddles in the corner legs drawn to her chest as she holds tight to them, her head bowed to her knees, you see her shoulders as they shake slightly, and you feel in yourself her tears as you know they are falling down her cheeks. You look over to the side of you, you see him a man looking upon this child as well. But you know he does not know you are there, for you are invisible to him and the world. The little one looks up, you look back at her, and then you see hope, joy, and want, in her eyes. She stands and runs to the glass wall, to the man on the other side. He looks down at the child, then turns and walks away. The child screams and cries, “No! Please come back! Please don’t leave me alone!!!” Her tiny hands bang upon the glass wall, her tears flowing like a river down her face, as she watches him walk away. She crumples to the floor and weeps as if she had just died inside. You kneel down to her, the wall between you both. You want so badly to take the child in your arms, to hold her, give her strength, to let her know she is not alone. Your head bowed to the glass, your hands splayed on the wall trying to reach the child and comfort her. But then you realize the child is you, and you know you too are just as alone as this child within yourself. You weep for her and for yourself. Looking in you know you must stand strong and protect her as you are protecting yourself!………

Ever since I brought it from my mind to paper (screen) it has haunted me. From time to time it will creep back into my mind, or I will come here and read it. Even though I am the author, I still have not deciphered its true meaning to me. Maybe one day it will come. I added it because I feel it has some bearing on this entry, maybe by putting this out there to the public I may find some answers. My health has been giving me issues these past few months. I will now have to have surgery, it is a minor outpatient procedure. The Doctor said it won’t even last 5 minutes but it is surgery nonetheless. This has been weighing on my mind. The big C has also hit some members of my family, it just recently took my father from me a couple of weeks ago. I am still unsure of how I feel about this. My father and I were very close at one point in my life but sadly betrayal tore us apart. I didn’t tell him goodbye, but that was my choice. I think in my mind I wanted to remember him from my youth and not the man he had become. Regardless of his faults, he is still my father and I miss him. I stop and think, I can never just pick up the phone and call him, I’ll never be able to hug him one last time. I’ll never hear that quirky laugh of his again. I’m still trying to hash out my emotions on this. I have cried once over his passing, but nothing since. Things were starting to get better and then I had a setback. I lost a patient today too, yes, cancer. I immediately felt like it all just started over. I’m going to end it here for now, I will continue this another time…….

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Daddy’s Day

My Daddy is a great man. I have been blessed with him in my life. The day I met him I knew there was something special about him. Now he is very special to me. He is my world, my everything! I’ve never felt as dedicated and loyal to anyone as much as I do to my Daddy.

Throughout the time we have been together he has taught me so much and still is, he has shown me this whole other world I never knew existed! A world I believed was fantasy only. But now know it can be reality.

The man I believe my Daddy is the greatest man that has ever come into my life. He is extremely loving, caring, and loyal! He is honest, and his guidance has shown me so much, and it does every day. His Dominance makes me feel safe, secure, cared for, and loved! He makes me feel like I’m someone special. He is an extraordinarily selfless person. He gives and never expects anything in return. He is a wonderful man! A beautiful human being! And if you are lucky enough to have any part of him in your life, then you are TRULY blessed! Because to ME he IS the greatest man alive!

I am so honored for him to be my Daddy, my Dominant, my Master. I am his property in every form. I belong to his mind, body, and soul. I am solely dedicated to him. I am loyal 100% to him. He is my Daddy! I love you, Daddy.

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For Daddy’s bad day

I’m kneeling on my sub pillow awaiting my Master’s arrival. It’s situated at the front door, so it’s the first view he gets when he enters his house. I am naked,my legs folded underneath me,hands palm down on my knees. All I have on is my collar with my leash attached to it,laying down between my knees so he can grab it as he wishes. My head slightly bowed. I wait patiently for his arrival.

I hear his car pull into the drive, excitement runs through my body as I wait for him to walk through the door. I hear the key in the lock,the doorknob turns and he walks in. He reaches down and grabs my leash. I immediately stand and follow behind him,two steps behind. He didn’t give me his normal greeting. This tells me he has had a bad day at work.

He walks to his chair and sits,immediately I kneel beside him. I wait, finally he reaches down and starts carressing my head. I know now I may speak.

‘May I bring you a drink Master?’ He nods. I stand and go get his favorite drink, bringing it back to him. Kneeling in front of him I bow my head and hold his drink out to him. He waits before he takes it. I hold it patiently. Waiting, waiting. He finally takes it and I take my position back beside his leg.

‘May I make your meal Master?’ I ask him. He nods, no. I want to ease my Master’s stress. I want to help him relax. So I ask him. ‘May I ease your stress Master?’ He nods, yes. He reaches down and unhooks my leash. I stand and walk to our dungeon. I look around trying to find the perfect paddle that will make him happy. As I look upon the wall where they hang my eyes light up as I spot it! Taking it down I walk back to him. Kneeling in front of him I bow my head and hold the paddle out to him. Again he makes me wait, but this time it is longer. The paddle starts to get heavier my outstretched arms start to shake slighty, but I remain in position and wait for him to take it. Feels as if hours have past, my arms shake more. I can feel my muscles as they strain to keep in position. Finally he reaches and takee the paddle from me. I stand and lay his property over his lap.

I feel his hand as he caresses my body, roaming my back, my ass. I shiver as the feel of his hands on me gets me excited. Anticipation,fear courses through me. Suddenly he comes down hard on my ass with his bare hand,hitting each cheeck. Warming me as he colors his property. Pain and pleasure start to build, I can feel the wettness build between my legs. I stay in position taking whatever my Master needs. He stops and starts rubbing where he just warmed. I inhale sharply as I feel the sting of the spanking. Still I remain still. I feel him move around, again no warning as the paddle comes down hard on my ass. I jump at the first blow but then hold my body still. Blow after blow the paddle comes down on my ass! I try to not clench my ass cheeks as they burn and sting from his ministrations. I’m very turned on,my thighs wet from my juices. The pain and pleasure bringing me high, I’m floatimg now in subspace. He continues administering the strikes. Blow after blow, I feel tears as they start to run down my face. I remain still. Floating so high it is only him and I in the world.

He stops, I hear the paddle hit the floor. I feel drained and weak,excited and loved. He reaches down and pulls me into a sitting position on his lap. I inhale sharply as the sting and burn from the spanking run through me. Wrapping my arms around him and nuzzling into him, I feel whole. He pulls me into his embrace and holds me close to him. Turning his head he wipes the tears from my eyes and kisses my cheek whispering in my ear, ‘Thank you my slave,you have made me very pleased. I’m proud of how well you did.’ Tears still running down my cheeks from the pain and his words. I am loved. He continues, ‘I feel better now, more relaxed. You did that for me. You knew exactly what I needed. Thank you my pet!’

Joy courses through me, I am so happy! We sit there like that for a while longer as he soothes me and caresses my body. And l eventually get up and cook my Masters meal and then serve him.

I am a blessed slave.