Category: General Topic

Well I was inside with my husband listening to him go on and on about the new life he is going to live and how excited he is about it. Unbeknownst to him that each word he utters is a dagger to my heart. His laughing, his joking creating more pain in me.

So now I sit out here on my front porch in the swing. Its 11:00pm and cold but I can no longer sit in that house with him. I’m sitting here for several reasons wondering why I’m yet again crying over this, over him. He has hurt me so much over the years. Pain I just kept to myself, is it my fault?  Should I have spoken up and told him he was hurting me?  Would it have mattered to him?  I honestly don’t know.

As I think of the bad times I also think of the good ones and it just makes the pain stronger, it makes the tears flow freer.

I know I have drove my friends and family members crazy with me constantly talking about this. And I truly don’t want to burden them. But when I talk it seems to ease the pain a bit. So here I am again writing in this journal that I’m sure no one will read but I know someone is out there at least. Maybe someone who is going through the same thing as me. If I came across you I wouldn’t say a word I would just walk up to you and hug you tightly as we both stood there holding one another up hoping the tears we shed and the warmth of our hug would somehow take away some of the pain.

I know people will tell you the pain will ease with time. Yes I beleive you but the journey through this dark forest of pain is very lonely very scary and all you want is someone holding your hand and helping you find your way out.

But then you have the worry of being a burden to them. So now your back in that dark forest alone. Its no ones fault but a choice you make. Why do you choose to walk alone and not be a burden because you fear of losing another loved one. And you know your heart can’t take another loss now or in the future.

So you find yourself sitting in a swing late at night listening to music in the cold on your front porch writing your words on a screen in a journal. Hoping that it will at least take a small piece of the pain with it when you hit post.

I’m not sure how long I will sit here maybe until dawn or maybe until my phone dies. I just don’t know. What I do know is I can’t stand to be inside with him and his words that turn into daggers. I just want it to pass, to please go away.

Never would I purposely inflict pain on someone, never would I want them to feel as I do now.

Someone anyone just hold my hand for a while. Let me feel your warmth.

Well I am sitting here relaxing at home watching some Netflix. When I got up this morning I was still feeling the pain as well as the lack of sleep. It was all starting to take its toll on me physically and mentally.

So I sat here drinking my coffee and just thinking of the past few days events. Thinking to myself ‘you know what self!  I’m not going to sit here and wallow in all this self pity!  I’m not going to sit here and listen to all his snide remarks just to jab them at me!  I am a strong woman and I am loved by someone who is more of a man in his little pinky then my husband is in his whole body!!’ Giving myself a pep talk. So I got up, got dressed and left the house this morning.

I had a very nice day, its mothers day, I went to my daughters house and spent the day with her and my grandson. Took her out shopping and got her a couple of outfits for mother’s day. Made me feel real good. Also got my grandson a couple of little outfits and a big stuffed lion. After that I went to a friends house and wished her a happy mothers day. Then I came home feeling tired but lighter. I was smiling after my day.

I have to say there is someone I have had in my corner through all of this. Someone who has been my light when it got to dark. Someone who has listened to me go on and on and never complained. Someone who has watched me cry but remaining silent until the tears were spent and held me with his words. He is my rock. He has been the one who has been holding me up. My boy.

I want to say thank you my boy for being my support system, my best friend, my love, my cheering squad, my patient boy. Whom I am very grateful for.

I may have relapses here and there. But I know I will come out just fine. I know I will also come out a stronger woman then I already am. And I have the greatest cheering squad a woman could ever ask for!!!!

I had a good day!

Well, my husband and I are getting divorced after 14 years of being together.

I’m excited that I will be happier. That my life will lead to bigger and better things. That I will finally feel free to explore what I wish. To be able to do as I please. To not have to worry about answering to someone else!  To be able to go out and purchase something for me and not feel guilty about it! I’m excited to finally live MY life!

I’m nervous about being on my own. I have been with this man for 14 years and we always did everything together. I never went out on my own and did something. Never just had a girl’s night out. Never just went and hung out with friends. Never went shopping or anything. We were ALWAYS together. That was my mistake. I have made myself so Dependant on this man that I’m nervous about starting over. And that is just not who I am. I have always led this marriage. I have always been a decision-maker. I have always done it all but be on my own. So now here I am sitting here with all these conflicting emotions running through my head. But knowing what I must do for me.

I’m scared of taking that first step. Creating my own independent life. Hell, I haven’t even figured out what that first step is. There is so much I want to do!  So much I want to begin!  But this damn fear is holding me back. I know I’m a strong woman!  I know I’m an independent woman!  So why the hell do I have these fears! ???? I don’t want them. I don’t want to be afraid to step out of my own front door and start my life! But nonetheless, they are there holding me back.

Sighs I know I need to take that first step for me. I feel it inside of myself. Sadly right now it’s buried in fear and I feel as if I’m just all over the place.

To be continued…….

As I sit here drinking my morning coffee thinking back on the past 14 years of my life all that continuously runs through my mind is ‘I have just had enough’.

I have had enough of being ignored. I have had enough of feeling like I’m just being used. I have had enough of not being touched. I have had enough of being made to feel as if I’m just an annoying bother that has to be kept around. I have had enough of loving whole heartedly but not receiving the same. I have had enough of being snapped at for no apparent reason. I have just had enough.

I am a woman, a lady who deserves to be treated as such. I deserve to be loved just as strongly as I give my love. I deserve to be supported with just as much support as I give. I deserve to be touched because I AM beautiful. I deserve to be treated as a human being I AM not a burden. I deserve to get what I give.

Throughout my 43 years of life I have worn my heart upon my shoulder. I was just recently told I am very empathic. This hit me in a confusing way. It made me feel wonderful but in the same breathe it made me feel idiotic. Because of this very strong emotion I have (empathy)  I have been torn apart bit by bit throughout my 43 years. But it is a big part of me. It is who I am. I love to care for people. I love to help people. I love to carry them when they feel they cannot walk. It brings me so much joy and happiness to see the sorrow, the pain leave thier eyes because I have taken their burdens away. But there are also repercussions to empathy.

These repercussions will tear you apart. As if a lion is hovering above you slashing your body with his mighty claws. While all you can do is lay there immobile feeling each slash of pain that rips through your body but unable to stop it. When the lion thinks he is done when he thinks he has left you for dead he looks into your eyes with no remorse turns and walks away. Your left laying there flayed wide open and bleeding out with emense pain.

But yet you still do not give up. You still have strength within you. So as you lay there you feed off this strength and heal yourself until you feel you are once again able to stand on your own two feet. Never changing who you are. Never letting the pain defeat the empathic human being you thrive to be. Why you ask?  How can you continue to be empathic towards the human race when all they do is whatch as the lion tears you apart?  Simple it is who I am.

I will always remain true to who I am because the pain doesn’t tear me apart, it doesn’t make me who I am. It doesn’t hold me down. It makes me stronger, it makes me more empathic, it makes me feel sorry for the people who feel they must hurt the ones who help them.

What does hurt me is knowing that I must let these people go. That I can no longer carry them. That I have to sit and watch as they struggle with their pain and sorrow. This is what hurts me. Because I want so badly to carry them again but know I cannot. Because in time the lion will reach my heart and rip it out. Then my strength my weapon will be no more. I must protect my weapon so I will always be able to defeat the lion. Show him I am stronger and you will bow down at my feet in submission. I will tame the lion to become my pet.

I have been rewarded though in the last year of these 43 years I have found my greatest weapon. I have found love, support, honesty, a pedestal that I can sit upon and will always hold me up no matter how heavy I become. My beautiful Arabian stallion that will run with the speed of greatness so the lion cannot catch me. My stallion that I can care for, support, love unconditionally, give my empathy to and know in my heart it will be protected. I have been greatly rewared.

So even though you feel as if ‘you have just had enough’ never give up because in time you will recieve your reward.

I believe it takes more effort to write out the word ‘procrastination’ than actually carrying out the act of what you are procrastinating about.

You sit and either physically write out a list or mentally make one in your mind of all the things you wish to accomplish. This list is either to please yourself or to please someone else, or maybe it is both. Now you have your list made but yet you’re still sitting there thinking of the list or maybe where to start first. You feel confident that you will start soon, get something accomplished. But 1,2,3 hours later you’re still sitting there. Maybe even a day or two has past and yet you still have not checked off one single thing on your list.

Now I wonder, do you feel any accomplishment, do you feel pleased with yourself, do you feel you have pleased the one you are doing these things for as well?

To me the answer to these questions would be no, no, no. So now you sit there and feel unaccomplished, you feel disappointment in yourself for not pleasing the other as well as yourself. Does procrastination bring you any kind of reward?

So I ask if you are going to procrastinate, if you use excuses for your procrastination, if you just don’t care enough to please yourself or the other than why even bother making a list. Why even bother looking around at what needs to be done telling yourself, I will accomplish this, not only are you setting yourself up for disappointment but the others that are also involved with the expected accomplishments.

So just wake up every morning and ignore the things around you, do your own thing, worry for you alone, this makes you happy, right?

The people whom try to help and yet you give them the old excuses or promise them ‘I will eventually get to it’ but yet your still sitting there doing your own selfish things. In turn making yourself look, well I’m sure you know. But no worries, right?  You’re happy, right? Why worry about pleasing the others involved, right?

Maybe the procrastinator should think about these things instead of that mental list they know they will not accomplish.

Good luck in your endeavors!

I just went through two horrible days of hell!  I caught a horrible stomach bug that is going around now. And sadly with me being in the medical field I am more apt to catch what is going around. I have been vaccinated against all the big bad diseases and such. But it’s those small everyday buggers that tend to bite me in the ass!

I came home from work feeling just fine. Cooked supper ate supper and I noticed I got full fast while eating dinner but didn’t really think anything of it. Well I just put the rest up and started drinking my nightly wine cooler. Welllll let me tell you!  That little culprit set it off! My stomach started feeling very heavy so I went on to bed thinking that will help. NOT!  The nausea started to slowly creep in. I did fall asleep for a bit. Than BAM!  IT HIT!  I had to jump up and run to the bathroom!  From there it went on all night!  LITERALLY!!!!  About 4:00 am it started coming out of  me from both ends!  I literally thought I was going to die!  Finally the vomiting stopped about 6:00 am I was able to get some sleep on and off between spouts of ugh yes diarrhea! I slept the whole next day. No way was I able to get up. Well finally the next day rolls around and I am feeling slightly human again. Still have some diarrhea but not nearly as bad as before.

I was able to work up enough energy to disinfect my bedroom and bathroom. Well that took me all day but by god I got it done.

Now I am sitting here celebrating the fact that I was able to eat solid food after two days!!!  Wooooohoooooo!  I still feel a bit blah. And my ribs are sore from all the vomiting. But I am very grateful it is over and I am getting better!  I would not wish that on my worst enemy!!!!!

Best of luck to all!  Hope you all stay well!

My boy, I am so very proud of MY boy!

We started off on a much different path. Both of us unsure and playing a role that was not our true selves. My boy was unsettled. I seen my boy struggling with himself. I seen and felt his cry for guidence. So I did what I felt was natural to me and guided my boy. Paved a path for him to discover himself. He is doing wonderfully. I couldn’t be more proud of him than I am now.

Of course like any relationship whether it is kink or vanilla we have had our ups and downs. But we have come out the other side stronger!  I am sure we will still have our ups and downs but that is to be expected. But how else do you build a strong relationship if you don’t have the good with the bad. As well as the universe giving us both a good swift kick in the ass when needed!  ?

We continue to build our relationship, I feel our bond growing stronger every day. My boy is very well versed in this lifestyle, over 30 years he has been in this lifestyle!  Impressive I know!  Myself only about 2 years and no RL experience that is a goal I am working towards with the help of my boy and a few friends. I feel this is who I am, a Dominant as well as kinky. When I discovered this lifestyle I discovered my true self.

Something very special and wonderful happened yesterday!  Something I have felt very strongly towards. Something I didn’t think would ever happen for me because of past experience putting a black cloud over me. But it happen!  And I couldn’t be any happier than I am right now!  Elated! Joyful! Ecstatic! So very proud to annouce I claimed my boy formally yesterday!!!!  ????? He is now formally MINE!  My boy you make me so proud!  Thank you for such a wonderful and precious gift!  I will treasure my gift!  So now I am the most happiest owner of my boy!  We will build our relationship to the most glorious of all!

I have been reading a Fem Dom romance novel and in one of the scenes the Mistress had her submissive build her a queening chair. The chair is described as:

Also the writer put her own twist on it she added a hole in the bench right where his cock would be. With a new toy that she would insert into this hole. The toy was a sort of a fake vagina made to be realistic. It was heated as well as vibrated with suction.

Now you have a description of the chair and all it’s trinkets. As I was reading this scene I pictured me and my boy in the chair together.

I would have my boy laying down on the bench on his stomach his penis deep within the fake vagina. I would tie him down to the bench unable to move, unable to thrust his hips up and down. Than I would climb upon my throne and enjoy the pleasure my boy would bring me with that glorious mouth of his. While I held the remote to the toy torturing my boy as I made the toy vibe and suction slow than fast. Watching as he squirmed. Mmmmm this is a very nice scene I see in my mind.

One day my boy we will play this scene out physically.