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Dark and Dreary Trees

I’m sitting here in my room ALONE looking out my window. The sun is shining, but that is not my main focus. I sit here and look at the dark and dreary trees that spring has not yet brought back to life. It reflects the way I feel right now. I have recently relocated, moved away from my friends and family. (Again) Also not quite a year ago my ‘soon to be’ ex-husband left me.

Since then I have been trying to pull my life together, and some things are improving. Some things are looking brighter. But the fact still remains I am alone. Some days I’m good, some days the loneliness surrounds me and it can be overwhelming. Today would be one of those days

Sure I’ve been told ‘get out there’ meet new people, make new friends. Hell, I’ve told this to myself a few times! But hearing it, saying it and doing it are entirely two different things. My experience with people has not been the best in my lifetime. And you start to build these walls and barricade yourself behind them. Do I wish to be locked in this box alone with nothing more than my own thoughts? No, I want to get out there meet new people, make new friends, learn new things! But thinking it, saying it, putting it into action is a whole other ball game.

So now I sit here in my room, the only space I have, and look out at the dark and dreary trees, wishing I wasn’t so alone.

Am I sitting here feeling sorry for myself, maybe, but this is my reality.

My Daddy helps, but he also has a whole separate life from us. And sometimes I feel I get in the way of his life and it makes me want to withdraw from the world more. This is no fault of his, we knew what the circumstances were before we decided to become a couple, to create our D/s. Do I regret it? No, but this is how I feel at times. Maybe it’s normal I don’t know. I just know these feelings creep in on me. I do consider him my SO, he IS my SO.  I would never betray him nor consider myself single. I am proudly owned by him. But you can’t control feelings that tend to creep in on you.

I have my good days and my bad days. Some days it doesn’t bother me at all, some days I sit in the dark and cry. I suppose it’s just human nature to have these off and on feelings. I will say today is one of my bad days.

I am very grateful for my Daddy, if it wasn’t for him, I don’t know where I would be. His love is a shining star in my dark and lonely world.

I figured if I wrote this post it would help, and it has somewhat. But I still look out my window at the dark and dreary trees wishing someone would ding my phone. At least then I’d have some company and maybe I’d focus on the sunshine instead.

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Bad Girl with Sweets

I have not been a very good girl the last few weeks, I’m supposed to ask my Daddy permission before I eat any sweets. And well I have been a bit more lonely these last few weeks as well as bored. So I ate a large number of sweets over the past few weeks. And I started feeling guilty about it as well as started gaining weight. So I confessed to my Daddy, at first I was making a joke of it. But then Daddy expressed his disappointment and it was no longer a joking matter. And now I’m sad and very angry with myself. I don’t like to disappointment my Daddy. But I did, so I am hoping that this entry will make my Daddy happy with me again.

I have a very hard time controlling my sweet intake and food intake as well. So if I just follow Daddy’s orders I would eat better. I’m sorry Daddy, I love you!

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Insecurities

Earlier today I created a Tumblr account. I am excited about it and exploring new things I will discover. As I was doing so I remembered my Daddy had sent me a link to his. So I went and retrieved the link and went to his Tumblr. I was very much enjoying what I was looking at, then I came across a comment he had made on another slave’s picture. Automatically I became jealous and worrisome, not out of mistrust towards my Daddy but out of my own insecurities. I know in my heart, mind, and soul that I truly belong to him. I know our future is written in stone and we will be together forever! But my past my mind has a tendency to come back and haunt me. As hard as I may I try not to let it infringe upon my present. But it always has a way of seeping in. My Daddy told me that it will, with time and hard work between the two of us eventually fade and not even be an afterthought. I wait eagerly for that day to come. But until then it continues to haunt me. And it builds fear within me that it will do damage to our D/s. And I know what my Daddy will tell me, he would say, no babygirl it isn’t going to damage us if nothing else we will overcome it together. And I do believe him, I just wish my mind would listen to his words and make the hauntings go away.

All my life I have either been left behind, forgotten, overlooked, or abandoned. On top of being taken advantage of used and abused. As if I am nothing more than a discarded piece of trash. But I have to admit, ever since I met my Daddy my life has changed in ways I would have never imagined. I have discovered new feelings that I never knew truly existed. Feelings I have NEVER experienced until I met my Daddy. So I thank you with all my heart Daddy for loving me. For making me feel worthy of your love!

I know it will be a long hard journey, I know the hauntings will come and go. But my Daddy helps me to be strong and shows me that I am not just a discarded piece of trash, but a human being who does deserve to be loved.

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Another Day on my New Journey

Well, here is to another day; I am still ecstatically happy! It has its up’s and down’s, but that is what you get when you’re in a relationship. I am feeling more and more comfortable in my new ‘skin’. Daddy and I have been talking about my collar, and every time we do I get this giddy feeling as well as a feeling I can’t explain. It is like floating on this huge cloud of happiness! I don’t want to say floating on cloud 9 because that is to cliche. And it doesn’t even touch how happy and joyous I feel about my collar! But that story will come on another day…………….

Daddy and I have been talking about a certain subject that I have been trying to overcome and is very hard for me. But it is getting to the point where I just can’t take it anymore. I have learned so much from Daddy, he has taught me as well as being a great support in what it is I am about to share with you. I have shared it before in other post but I suppose it is just an ongoing thing that seems to continue happening in my life.

It would seem that my family is a never-ending bottomless pit of need and want. Nothing I can say nor do seem to satisfy them. As hard as I try and as much torture and torment I put myself through to try and satisfy them, it is just never enough. I have recently moved in with my sister, someone whom I thought would never consider taking advantage of me. (Daddy did warn me) but also sad it is the lesser of two evils. So, for now, I am here and will have to deal with whatever (again) will be either thrown in my face or be made to feel guilty until I just give in.

I just wish I had my own space, somewhere, where I don’t have to worry about people expecting something from me or being made to feel guilty so they have their way. Somewhere that I feel I am at home. Right now I feel as if I am just a wanderer with no home to call her own. Someone who was uprooted from the home and life she knew and just thrown out in the cold to fend for herself, however, she has to, to get by. I feel lost and confused. I wonder what did I ever do that was so bad to be continuously tortured so by the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally. I have never felt the love of a real true family, the love of a mother, the love of a father, of a family! I have never had these things!

But I gave up on looking for them a long time ago, I have learned to live with the ‘family’ I have now, even when they still hurt me so. But I am only human, what can I say. They are my family, what is that saying ‘you can’t choose who your family is’ yeah that would be me.

What I can say is that I have a Daddy who does truly love me! Who has shown me what true love is, what it is suppose to feel like! What it does feel like! Him and I, we are a family, and we will be building our own family! One that I know will love me for me! Because my Daddy would never let anyone in our family hurt me. He has been my support and my rock! I would have never made it this far without him. I love him so and will till the day I die.

Well anyway, I suppose I am going to end it here, I am feeling melancholy now and have lost the train of writing. Until again my friends, thank you for listening to me ramble on. I will be back.

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Lunch with a Friend

Well, the beginning of my day was a bit stressful, I have a friend who also has a past with me. A bit of a sore spot for my Daddy. But of course, Daddy comes first in anything and everything. So I had a chat with Daddy about having lunch with this friend and letting him know (again) how our dynamic has changed. I was also nervous when said lunch came around that he may want to still carry on with what we did in our past. That would have meant I would have given up the friendship and went on my way. No way would I ever betray Daddy in any way.

So needless to say I sat here and stressed about it today, stressing if it was going to go the way I was playing it out in my head. Stressing is this bothering Daddy and he just isn’t saying anything. I in no way wanted to hurt Daddy, and I didn’t want to hurt my friend either. So many times I thought about just texting him and canceling the whole thing! It was becoming more trouble than it was worth! I stressed myself out so much that I was worn out by the time lunch came around.

But it did come around, and needless to say, I stressed for no reason what so ever! We actually had a nice pleasant lunch. We chatted about Daddy and me, we chatted about him and his girlfriend, we talked some about wine, and we also talked about a new diet he wants to try (no way can I remember the name of it lol) but it is something he wants to try for himself.  As for myself, I’m not interested in the diet nor am I interested in starting one. I don’t need to I have a Daddy! lol

But in the end, it was a nice lunch and I got to keep my friend. That made me happy and also my Daddy cause he knows now that my friend knows that is what we are, just friends. So I stressed for nothing all day. I was so aggravated with myself I came home and just started cleaning! That seems to help me. So I guess you can say it turned out to be a good day, I got a free lunch and my house is clean!!!!! Makes for a nice day off.

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Another Day with Daddy

I woke up to a very nice message from my Daddy this morning (as always). I very much look forward to those messages every day! Well, his headache finally went away! Yay! And so I waited for his lunch break. He had an early shift today so that means you really never know when he will take lunch. So I sat here waiting for him to go to lunch so we could have our normal lunch text. Also, I needed the reassurance again from him that it was ok to go to lunch with my friend today (read lunch with a friend) it was getting later and later and still Daddy hadn’t taken his lunch yet. Ok yup (no surprise) I started stressing, not only was I missing my Daddy and really wanted to chat with him, but I needed that reassurance again. Sooooo here comes the stress (even more) I thought ok maybe he already took his lunch, maybe he isn’t going to text till after work. “That’s it I’m canceling the lunch! And just as I was getting ready to text him and cancel it Daddy finally text me!!!!!! RELIEF!!!!!

So I did get to talk to Daddy before my friend got here, it was a pleasant conversation, it always is with Daddy. I got the reassurance again that I needed and it eased some of the stress. I also wanted Daddy to approve the shirt I had on so I took a picture of it and sent it to him. He approved, so I did well! So I went to lunch and got back in time to have the video chat with my Daddy! The highlight of my week! Again, as usual, I had a nice chat with Daddy.

Well, during our chat Daddy told me that he twisted his bad wrist again, this sets off the Dominant side in me, I hate it when my Daddy hurts or gets hurt. So I may have got a little firm with him and wearing his wrist brace when he got home. But it is only because I worry about Daddy when he is hurt, I care so much for him and want him to be well. I don’t want him in pain and when it happens I want it fixed! So yes I did maybe overstep just a bit, but it is only because I have this need to take care of him. Very strong need! I love him! But he didn’t get upset with me, he chuckled a bit and ‘gently’ reminded me who is in charge. I immediately felt his Dominance take over and felt myself ease back to where I belong, where I want to be. But just know Daddy it is only because I care for you so much! So now I sit here the end of my day writing about it in my journal. Today had it’s ups and downs but in the end, it was a pleasant day!

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Pulled from the Pit

Now if you have read my last entry ‘The New Discovery I made about myself’ you would have read where our D/s done a “switcharoo” as Daddy would call it. lol Yes we reversed roles, and it is the best thing we could have ever done for one another. As I said in my last entry I couldn’t be happier, and that is coming from deep withing my heart and soul, I truly couldn’t be happier! Let me delve into myself a little. You see I am a Dominant to an extent, there are things I do enjoy doing as a Dominant, but I feel it is not where ‘I’ truly feel I am me!  I believe I enjoy being Dominant in a ‘scene’ but to be responsible for someone on a 24/7 or less relationship, I feel it just isn’t me. I am a very kind hearted  person. I am also a bit of a push over. I don’t like to hurt peoples feelings which in turn is a bad thing. Because then it is my feelings that seem to always get hurt. My heart that seems to always get broken. I am strong when it comes to protecting my family and my friends. I am strong when it comes to protecting weaker people. I am strong when there is a time for a leader to take lead and protect or solve a problem. But I am not strong when it comes to me. I always put myself last or just not at all. I hide the pain that is inflicted upon me and carry on protecting or leading whoever it is hurting me.I have always done this. Why you ask?

Because I AM a strong woman, but I am also a submissive who was lead by selfish and hurtful people, they truly didn’t care about me and what they were doing to me. Slowly killing what was left of my soul. Pushing me deeper and deeper into that dark place I never wanted to come out of. It was misery, it was so lonely, it was scary and it was so very very cold. But minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, year after year. I lived this sad and lonely life. Searching, looking, roaming around this world looking for the right one to give myself to. To proudly bestow my gift upon them. I began to lose hope. I began to wonder, am I truly going to find the one who will care for me. The one who will lead me into a happier, warmer life. I didn’t think I ever was. I figured I was doomed to live the cold and lonely life until the lord above called me home.

I felt as if I was in a fetal position in a deep dark pit. I would look above watching as the top of the pit kept closing in, getting smaller and smaller till it was almost impossible to see the sunshine any more. But then…………….

Here comes the man, this angel, my saving grace. He peered down into the small opening and looked upon me. I weakly lifted up my head and peered at the top. He smiled down at me and I felt a bit of warmth. I tried to smile back up at him but I was weak, so I just laid my head back down and waited for the darkness to enfold upon me. But this man he wasn’t having any of that! He started digging at the top of the pit, slowly the sunshine started peering through little by little, getting brighter with each dig he made. He dug and he dug, there were times that he got tired and the light again started fading. Again I laid down my head but this time I wasn’t ready to give up! This time something inside me started glowing, it started warming my cold heart, it was giving me renewed strength! I slowly lifted my head up ever so slightly to peer at my angel, he sees my movements and looks down at me in the dark pit. Our eyes connect and he sees something different in my eyes, he sees the reflection of what it is he always knew was there, what it is that his own heart needed and truly felt. He seen what it is he has been seeking for so long! I see the realization come into his eyes, I smile. I weakly started to raise my arm, reaching out  my hand to him. He took the closing hole by each side wretched it open in one swift pull!!!!! Reached down and grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the dark cold pit! Slamming me into his arms, enfolding me in his warmth, strength and love! He cradled me and I burrowed deep inside his arms feeling all the things I was looking for but thought never existed. I laid my hand upon his heart, through it I let it flow into him, I gave myself to him, I gave him all of me, my loyalty, my devotion, my love, my submission, my gift. He now owns it all. I call him my Daddy.

So you see I was once broken but now I am whole. No longer do I have to put on a mask and brave the hurtful world. I am protected, I am loved. I am now myself.

Now Daddy would say I am putting him on a pedestal, but this isn’t true Daddy. I am sharing with you and the world what it is I feel.  It is hard to express what it is you truly feel inside of you, you can’t express it in mere words alone. But your actions could write a novel on all the feelings you want to say. I love you Daddy with all my heart and soul. I am your’s, I am your property, I am your babygirl, I am your slave, I am very proudly your submissive. No one will ever own me as you do Daddy. NO ONE!

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Babygirl and her Drama!

I have been embarking on a new Chapter in my life. I have recently changed jobs as well as locations. It was not an easy decision, and it still has it’s bad moments. Of course this is to be expected in a big change. But my last environment was a very negative one for me. It was bringing me down further and further day by day. My Daddy seen this as well as witnessed some of it. He knew, as I knew, I had to get out of that environment. I was scared, I was in my comfort zone, I didn’t want to venture out of it into the unknown. Who does!!! But with the encouragement and guidance of my Daddy I did. I took that leap! Now here I am starting a new life, a new adventure!

But with all new adventures, with all new beginnings, also comes hardships. Nothing ever sails smoothly. As much as we try, as much as we hope. Problems always seem to arise. But in this instance I believe I have been over dramatic about certain issues. Making a mountain out of a molehill. I have been panicking about things that haven’t even happen yet. I have been creating issues that didn’t need to be worried about. I have been stressing my Daddy and just being a pain in the ass! I have been a bad girl. And I feel like the biggest ass there is! I have let the fear over ride common sense. I am letting the fear lead me instead of letting my strength through. I also feel I have taken advantage of Daddy. Letting him carry this alone and just sitting back and not solving my own issues. Again I have been a bad girl. I need to listen to Daddy, I need to stop going over and over again about issues that aren’t even issues!!!!! I need to stop being such a royal pain in his ass. I need to be his joy, his happy place, his babygirl. I need to put a smile on his face and joy in his heart.

He had a headache last night and still awoke with it this morning, when I spoke to him on his lunch break again the annoying headache is still there. THIS IS MY FAULT!!!!! Because I am such a bad girl. Just thinking of myself and my “issues” not considering the toll it is taking on my Daddy. This is my punishment to myself! To let the world know what a horrible person I have been here of late. How selfish I have been! And I am extremely ashamed of myself. As I sit here and write this I can feel the tears well up inside of my eyes. But I have to hold them in! I have to be strong! For me and for my Daddy!

He has been such a blessing to me! He has got me through so much and continues to get me through! How do I repay him! How do I express to him how much he means to me!!!!! How can he even believe this from me when I have been such a bad girl!!!!!!

I will prove it to him with my actions! I will stand up big and tall! I will face my fears! I will slam through them like a football player headed to the goal line! I will do this Daddy! I will stop being such a burden and a pain in your ass! I will prove it to you! Because I love you with all my being! All my heart! I need you and could never live without you! I will do this Daddy! I promise!

I am terrified yes, but my Daddy is the most important thing to me. And I have let him down. I am so ashamed! I can do this, I can face the fear. I need to stop panicking and just let Daddy guide me. I am so sorry Daddy! I do hope you forgive me! I know you said you would never give up on me, but I am asking again, please never ever give up on me!!!!! I will get it done Daddy! I will make you proud!

Daddy never said any of this was my fault, he doesn’t think any of these things I have written about in this post. But it is what I feel right now. This is me posting the feelings that are running through me, that I feel I have done. Daddy has done nothing but love me and guide me! He has saved me on many occasions and still does. I am the bad girl! Daddy is a great man! Don’t be easy on me! I deserve whatever you want to say! I should be punished!

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The New Discovery I Made About Myself

Well it happen a few days ago, it has to do with my D/s. Something was off with me and my sub. He wasn’t feeling his role and I honestly wasn’t feeling mine for quite a while. We both started ‘talking’ and it got a bit heated and well frankly scary!  I thought I was about to lose the man I fell in love with. My heart was racing!  My pulse was thundering!  I was shaking and sweating!  But like he is, a very smart and observant man, he told me his feelings. He wasn’t feeling his submissiveness. I felt the fear just wash over me!  I just knew I was about to lose him. We talked some more. And I knew I had to finally admit to him what I had been feeling the last few months. But again I was hesitant, I was thinking. What if I tell him and he thinks I’m just saying it to keep him, what if he thinks I’m making it up. All these thoughts running through my head. But I knew regardless of what he might think, I had to tell him!  Or I would have regretted it forever. I was still pretty terrified to admit it. But eventually I got it out.

And than this miracle happen!  I mean once I admitted it and we talked it just flowed together naturally!  Like all the pieces to the puzzle just fell in place. It was like this HUGE burden was lifted off my shoulders!  And now I couldn’t be happier!!!!  It’s so wonderful that I now have the most greatest Daddy ever!  And I feel soooo comfortable, so happy being his babygirl!  The world looks and feels right now. It’s amazing how when the puzzle finally slides into place your life becomes so much brighter, better, amazing!!!!!  I am the most proud babygirl of my Daddy!  I am proud to be owned by him!

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Another Late Night

Well I was inside with my husband listening to him go on and on about the new life he is going to live and how excited he is about it. Unbeknownst to him that each word he utters is a dagger to my heart. His laughing, his joking creating more pain in me.

So now I sit out here on my front porch in the swing. Its 11:00pm and cold but I can no longer sit in that house with him. I’m sitting here for several reasons wondering why I’m yet again crying over this, over him. He has hurt me so much over the years. Pain I just kept to myself, is it my fault?  Should I have spoken up and told him he was hurting me?  Would it have mattered to him?  I honestly don’t know.

As I think of the bad times I also think of the good ones and it just makes the pain stronger, it makes the tears flow freer.

I know I have drove my friends and family members crazy with me constantly talking about this. And I truly don’t want to burden them. But when I talk it seems to ease the pain a bit. So here I am again writing in this journal that I’m sure no one will read but I know someone is out there at least. Maybe someone who is going through the same thing as me. If I came across you I wouldn’t say a word I would just walk up to you and hug you tightly as we both stood there holding one another up hoping the tears we shed and the warmth of our hug would somehow take away some of the pain.

I know people will tell you the pain will ease with time. Yes I beleive you but the journey through this dark forest of pain is very lonely very scary and all you want is someone holding your hand and helping you find your way out.

But then you have the worry of being a burden to them. So now your back in that dark forest alone. Its no ones fault but a choice you make. Why do you choose to walk alone and not be a burden because you fear of losing another loved one. And you know your heart can’t take another loss now or in the future.

So you find yourself sitting in a swing late at night listening to music in the cold on your front porch writing your words on a screen in a journal. Hoping that it will at least take a small piece of the pain with it when you hit post.

I’m not sure how long I will sit here maybe until dawn or maybe until my phone dies. I just don’t know. What I do know is I can’t stand to be inside with him and his words that turn into daggers. I just want it to pass, to please go away.

Never would I purposely inflict pain on someone, never would I want them to feel as I do now.

Someone anyone just hold my hand for a while. Let me feel your warmth.