Tag: love

Posted on

For the Love of my Master

As some of you may already know my Master and I live 6 hours apart so it makes seeing one another a bit hard. He also has other circumstances that make it hard for us to visit. It’s these other circumstances that has brought me here to write about.

Because of these circumstances we are only allowed to see one another twice a year. But we’re grateful to have that. We deal with it and enjoy every minute we get to spend with one another.

Normally we try to make our first visit as soon as the first thaw! Which is somewhere around the end of April. Sadly this year his circumstances have prevented us from doing that, so our visit will be delayed for a month or two from our normal time.

This is hitting me and my Master pretty hard, you see we only had one visit last year because of other circumstances. Yes, a lot of circumstances in our lives. But isn’t that everyone? So, we are missing one another extra hard.

Sadly though in order to keep my Master safe it is paramount that we make this sacrifice. It isn’t easy and Master was very reluctant to do so, he is close to the point of “I don’t give a fuck” but as his submissive it’s also my duty and love to look out for him and point out the logical answer to the circumstances that are holding us back. His “I don’t give a fuck” attitude about it would cause him way more mental anguish than it would me because he is on the front line. No way am I letting that happen to him! So for now we will do what must be done for his safety.

But one day we will both be able to say “I don’t give a fuck” and do our own thing! I will hold you up my Master! Always and forever!

Posted on

“Friends” of Betrayal

You would think after knowing someone for over 11 years and developing a friendship with them you would be able to trust and know that the friendship is secure. I found out the hard way that isn’t the case. I had known this person for 11 years, I thought it was a good and secure friendship. But after he developed a relationship with another person and they became romantically involved things started to change. He became more distant from me.

I am sure y’all have experienced a situation where you’re watching your friend in a relationship that isn’t good for them. Well, this was one of those situations, I could see things happening that he was blind to. He claimed that he was in love with this person after knowing her for a week, yes now y’all know where it is I am coming from. I’m pretty sure y’all have come across a similar situation with your own family and friends. Well as a friend I was trying to warn him about what “I” was seeing and what “he” wasn’t. That turned out to be a bad idea, he was under the impression that I was just trying to break them up. I tried to explain to him that wasn’t at all what I was trying to do, I was just trying to protect him from any future hurt. Now in hindsight, I should have just kept my nose out of it.

He did in his own time see what it was I was seeing after the newness of the relationship wore off. So he broke off the relationship and said they were just going to be friends. And herein lies the rub! After the breakup, he started acting like himself and it seemed like things started to go back into play for our friendship. Boy, was I totally wrong about that, I found out from his own admission that he was telling her that I was out to break them up. That in itself hurt me but it also put a bad taste in her mouth for me. He told me he was going to correct it but I don’t believe he ever did.

Let me back up a bit he himself admitted to me that he was seeing now what I was trying to warn him about before. So hence as to why the breakup came to be. Then he admitted to me that he would never resume the relationship with her because it was just too much for him to handle. He told me that he needed to slowly stop talking to her and make her realize that they would only ever be friends. But he was doing the total opposite. He was starting to cut me off of text apps and other apps so I couldn’t see when he was online because he didn’t want me to know that he was actually leading this poor girl to believe there was a chance that they would reconcile. When it became apparent as to what he was doing I told him that that wasn’t right and he shouldn’t be leading her on like that, that she is only going to get hurt in the long run. Well, I guess he didn’t like my honesty and honestly, me butting in where I now realize again I should have just left it alone.

There is more to the story I could keep going but honestly I just don’t want to rehash the hurt. In the end he cut both her and I off. Deleted all communication and confessed that he just didn’t want to do it any more because it was too overwhelming for him. Like he was the one that was hurt by me, when it was him doing all the lying and backstabbing. This isn’t the first time he has done this but it has been many years since he did so I really didn’t think it would ever happen again. The last time this happened we stopped talking for a while and then he messaged and apologized for everything and we started talking again. I know he will do it again at some point but there just isn’t any going back for me this time. Sadly no matter how much it hurts the “friendship” is honestly too much for me to take. After he chose to obsolve the friendship it felt like there was a weight that was lifted off of me. My day’s wasn’t bombarded by always having to pay attention to him and his constant need for that attention . I have enjoyed the peace and quiet. I feel like I have my days back. I am saddened that I lost this friendship but in the end it’s what needed to happen for me. Like the old saying goes things happen for a reason.

Posted on

The month of August can kiss my a$$!

I always dread when it is time for this month to roll around. You would think it would be a good month, it would mean we are that much closer to fall. The beautiful changes in the seasons, soon the start of the changing colors, the falling of leaves, the cool crisp air swirling around you. Fall is my favorite season, just cool enough to snuggle in and watch the leaves outside swirl around in the wind. Sit outside by a campfire watching the flames dance around the fire pit. Snuggle in with the one you love.

But on August 30th I received a phone call at 9 am that morning, it was a funeral home. And the words he spoke to me I know by heart “Mrs. ____ we have Rebekah here.” It didn’t register at first, I couldn’t figure out why my daughter was at a funeral home. I wanted to ask to speak to her, to ask her who had died. Is this why you’re at a funeral home? All that came out was “Why do you have my daughter?” The man on the other line had an audible intake of air and said “OH GOD! He then ask me “Did the state police call you?” Again all that went through my head was “Why would the state police call me about my daughter, was she in jail? Was she in trouble? I wish, god I wish she was in jail I could have gone and got her, I wish (forgive me) that it was someone else that was at that funeral home and that it was her there taking care of someone else’s remains.  But no, it was not, it was my beautiful babygirl. It was the child I had given birth to 27 years ago. It was a big piece of my heart that died at this man’s words. “Ma’am, your child is gone” I remember falling to my knees, I was calling this poor man a liar telling him this is a cruel joke no one should ever pull on a mother. I ask him to please stop saying these things. He was at a loss, his only reply was I am going to have the state police call and speak with you. And then the line went dead.

I felt numb, I tried desperately to call my daughter, but there was no answer. I called over and over again and again and again no answer. I begged and pleaded to the nothing in front of me “Please please my sweet Rebekah please answer your phone for Mama.” I screamed and cried and screamed and cried until I was exhausted as I sat there trying to put any semblance of thought together. I hadn’t realized I was clutching my phone in my hand until it started to vibrate, my hands shaking as I lifted it so I could hit that little glowing green button that would alter the rest of my life forever. I brought it to my ear and there was a man’s voice on the other end. My voice horse and shaky I said “Hello” he said, “hello ma’am this is ______ with the state police, I am sorry to have to inform you but your daughter Rebekah ____ ____ was found on such and such road deceased in her vehicle.” I was shaking I’m not even sure how coherent I was, but I do remember asking him in a very hushed tone. “What happened?” He said, “We found her parked on the side of the road, she had a pistol and she used it to shoot herself in the head.” At this point nothing else was registering, I don’t remember anything he said after that. I just kept replaying his words in my head, I kept seeing my beautiful little girl sitting in her car with her head blown away. I felt sick, I felt numb, I felt lost. A faint sound was starting to break in through my thoughts “Ma’am, ma’am hello ma’am” It was the police officer on the other end of the line. I said, “I’m sorry, yes?” He asked me “Is there anything else I can do for you?” In my head I was screaming “YES BRING MY DAUGHTER BACK!!!!!” but what came out was “No thank you”. He gave me some other information about picking up her belongings and something about if I wanted her car and such but nothing was sticking in my mind it was overrun by grief a grief that will never end.

I don’t remember much of the rest of that day. I just remember the overwhelming feeling of grief, my body felt too heavy for me to carry, and my mind was nothing but a fog. I remember going to my phone to the very last message my daughter sent me those famous three words “I love you” and I realized then that was her saying goodbye to me. I looked back at that message many times after that day. And I always wonder “What if I would have done this or that would my daughter still be here? So you see each day of August that leads up to August 30th is pure hell for me. I try so hard to find things to do or people to hang out with to occupy my thoughts. Because if I don’t I relive that day just as if it happened right now over and over on August 30th each year. It is pure hell.

They tell you “It will get easier as time goes on” but it does not. Not when you lose your child, it never gets easier! It gets harder with each passing birthday all you think is she would have been such and such age on this day. What would she be now? How far would she be in life now? Would she be happy and married and have a brew of children? Thought after thought after thought of “what if’s” or “where would be” so please don’t tell me it will get easier, it never gets easier.

Because as of August 30th of this month, it will be 5 years since I lost my child and it still has not gotten easier. I have my daughter’s remains sitting in front of me in a beautiful wooden box that a very close friend of mine made for her. And as I write this entry I can’t look up at the box at my daughter in the box. It is a comfort knowing she is still here with me but I have a very hard time looking at the box. Sometimes I dream of my daughter we’re either playing cards or watching tv just something mundane. But those dreams are so very precious to me because I get to see my daughter again. I get to visit with her, hold her, and just be with her. Until I awake the next morning feeling again that deep void within me.

The rest of the year I do ok, I have my good days and I have my bad days. I try and live life to the fullest that I can. Some days I feel utterly and totally alone. Some days I just want to be with my daughter. I have a habit of isolating myself from the world I am slowly losing faith in, I know I shouldn’t and I know I need to come out of my hole. But you have no idea how very hard that can be. I can feel myself sinking into a black abyss and what is scary is I am starting to feel comfortable in this abyss. Sighs, then I think Rebekah wouldn’t want me here. She wouldn’t want to see me suffer and isolate myself from what I consider to be a very cruel world. So I force myself to crawl out of the hole I have been finding comfort in and surround myself with friends that I know I can trust and who truly care about my well-being. With their support and comfort, I can venture out. I just need to learn to continue to do so and not keep crawling back into that comfortable abyss. I am working on it, I just hope I don’t give up on me.

Posted on

Easter Weekend

I had a really nice Easter weekend, I got to spend some time with my sister. We went to Natural Bridge in Virginia and enjoyed a nice walk down the path and under the bridge. It was a bit hard for my sister because she has stage 4 bone cancer. But I am proud of her she did the whole walk down and back. I fear that she will not be with me for many more years so I take every opportunity I can to spend with her. I’m not sure what I am going to do when that day comes but I am hopeful she has some kind of miracle cure.

I also went to some friend’s house for Easter dinner. That was a very nice dinner and day. I was watching as their kids opened the Easter baskets from the “easter bunny” and it brought back memories of when I was a little girl and my mom would put out easter baskets for us and tell us that the “easter bunny” came. I sure do miss getting those easter baskets.  Maybe one day I’ll start getting an easter basket again😊😊

I have been doing alot of exercising and some dieting more like eating a bit healthier and cutting down on portion sizes. When I went to my friends house they had some pretting fatty foods and not so good food for diabetics, but I just went ahead and enjoyed myself a bit of the good food. But it is back to the strict routine tomorrow. Well this is going to be a short blog post, it is getting late for me and I’ll be going to bed soon as it’s back to work tomorrow.

Posted on

I Had a Meltdown Yesterday

The start of my day was going pretty well, I finished some errands that needed to be done. I was getting things accomplished which makes me feel better in my day-to-day life. I have always been the responsible person who has taken care of everything and everyone. I worked hard and raised my children. And now that they are grown and on their own, now that I am divorced and no longer have a husband to take care of I am a bit out of sorts. I have never really put myself first or even really paid attention to myself. I regret that because I believe that is why I am having the issues I am having now. If you put me in charge of taking care of someone else I am good as gold! I know exactly what to do. Now that it is just me I have no one to focus on but myself and that can be a bit scary.

I have been doing pretty well but I have also had a lot of help from my Master. And I am so very very very grateful every day that he has come into my life. For so many reasons but that is a post for another day. I received a text message a few weeks back about applying for a free sim card so I could change sim cards out on my phone. When I have to do anything that pertains to whether or not my phone will work again makes me very nervous and stressed out. I depend on my phone way too much and I know this, but when you live alone and your SO lives miles away from you your phone is like a lifeline to the outside world and your SO. I am most definitely an introvert. And sometimes my phone is the way I “visit” the outside world. And as strange as this may sound when I don’t feel like I can “people” I still want to communicate with the outside world. Some days my phone gets on my nerves and I just want it to be quiet but when I am granted that wish I become very lonely and I start to panic. Why do you ask, because I get this overwhelming feeling that I have been forgotten or they no longer have any use for me?  Stupid I know but it’s my head and I sadly have to live with what goes on in it. My Master has told me numerous times it is because of all the abuse I have endured from childhood to adulthood. Future counseling I know, one day I will get there. So back to the reason for this post.

I applied for the free sim card and I knew it was coming and I knew when it got here what I would have to do. I stressed over this the whole time I was waiting for it to arrive. It finally got here and my stress level increased significantly! I knew there was no way I was going to be able to do the switching of the two sim cards on my own. So I had to wait for Master and me to have an opportunity to get together via video chat so he could help me through it. Well, the whole time it was sitting here at my desk I would glance at it like it was an evil about to do me wrong. So my stress level just built and built while I was waiting to get together with Master. The time finally came that I had to do the deed! So Master and I got on a video call. He used TeamViewer to download an app that would back up my phone. We got that installed and started backing up my phone. I was ok at this point, naturally Master was the one doing the work. 😒I didn’t have to deal with it. We got that all done and then the time came that I had to switch the sim cards. I was trying to do it as the instructions said and I couldn’t get it to work. Yep, you guessed it the start of the meltdown, I tried several times to make it work like they were instructing but it just wouldn’t work. So Master must have seen the meltdown starting and he suggested that we leave it be for today and try to come back another time and finish it up. Well at this point I was halfway into my meltdown and I sure as hell didn’t want to sit here and continue to stress over changing out this damn sim card. Thoughts also were going through my head “what if I don’t get the new sim card to work and my phone stops working, am I going to have to get another one?! Am I going to be stuck without a phone for god knows how long?! How am I going to stay in contact with Master when I am not at home?! How are we going to do our nightly phone calls?! How are we going to communicate?! What if I am out and an emergency happens how do I get ahold of Master?!” Oh yeah, I was working up a real good panic mode. So I had to get this done whatever it took it needed to be done now or I would be stuck in panic mode. So I called the number that came with the paperwork for the new sim card. The agent on the other end walked me through everything and fixed it so the new sim card would work. Ok panic mode started to calm down some.  We finished up and I hung up the phone (Master is still in a video call with me the whole time) so now I am thinking all I have to do now is change the sim card out one more time and then I am DONE! No more stressing and worrying over getting this done. WRONG! I changed out the sim cards and it wouldn’t work and the meltdown re-started, Master talked to me and was doing his best to calm me down (he may not realize it but he did calm me down if it wouldn’t have been for him I don’t think I would have gotten through it all) I started to cry I was so scared my phone was lost to me forever. My brain was all over the place so I tried exchanging them again taking out the new sim card and putting the old back in (because we thought that one still works) no we were wrong. It no longer had service the agent switched everything over to the new sim card and it didn’t work either.

 

Full-blown meltdown now, I am crying hysterically the fear and stress of all this has come full-blown and my fear of no longer being able to have touch with Master was first and foremost. Master is trying to soothe me to calm me down, I am trying to calm down and trying to figure out how to fix this. Through the calming of Master and my brain working a fraction at that moment, I thought ok try and put the new one back in if it doesn’t work Master can call technical support for me and we can get this all figured out. So I put the new one back in and BAM the thing starts to work. Master and I were so relieved! He even did a bit of a happy dance. At this point in all of this, the stress and the fear had taken their toll on me and I broke. I just kept crying I couldn’t stop, I felt relief for sure but my poor brain and emotions were so raw that I just couldn’t get them stabilized. Master bought me a stuffed elephant one Christmas he is one of my prized possessions along with his brother Grizzly who is my stuffed bear. Well my elephant’s name is Bama and Master knows when I get like this I need something to hang onto (preferably him but you work with what you have) so he told me to go get Bama. I immediately did and came back and sat at my desk where Master was on video chat. He then told me I want you to hug Bama right now as if you were hugging me. So I did and as I was doing so he was saying very soothing words to me and telling me how good I did. That I was his good girl. I am so damn grateful for this man!!! Some days I feel like I don’t deserve him most days I feel like I wouldn’t survive without him. He succeeded in calming me down.

 

Meltdown over and Bama in arms, at this point I was just done and I knew I went into little mode. I kept Bama with me the rest of the evening. We had dinner together and watched a little bit of T.V (next time though I am picking the movie!). We went to bed and I was feeling so exhausted! I was laying there beside Bama and Grizzly watching TikTok like I do every night so I can wind down. Waiting for my nightly phone call with Master. He finally called but it was a short call, I was disappointed that it was a short call especially after the horrific evening I had just had. But I also took a lot of circumstances into consideration, Master hadn’t slept well at all the night before it was also a “school night” for him. He had also been on video chat with me for most of the evening. So when he said he would like to go to sleep obviously I didn’t want him to get off the phone just then but I also was concerned about his lack of sleep the night before and the fact that he had to work the next day. I didn’t want him going to work overly tired “again” and being around dangerous machinery while trying to deal with idiotic co-workers. So grudgingly I agreed to get off the phone so he could go to sleep. Well, I stayed up a bit longer watching TikTok until finally, I decided to try and go to sleep. I slept fitfully and had some very strange not so nice dreams and when I woke up yesterday evening was still on my mind. Running through my thoughts throughout the day. Thinking “what could I have done differently” or “why are you such an idiot and have to break down with the simplest thing“. Yeah torturing myself a bit (ok maybe a lot).

So I have been in my head most of the day, well Master always texts me during his lunch break and he asked me how I was doing and I told him. He again reassured me that I did well and it is all fixed now. So after talking with Master again and writing this post I am feeling better. But I am going to work on myself and my confidence.

This post is dedicated to you Master, thank you for always being there for me and holding me up when I need you. You are my rock, my love, and my hero. I love you so very much!

 

Posted on

Going to the Gym

I have been going to the gym on and off for about 4 years now. I had a previous membership at PF and I enjoyed that membership. But when covid hit it put a dent into my workout regimen. One, the gym reduced their hours and even closed for a period of time which put a dent into my attendance there. Sometimes it’s hard to schedule time to go to the gym when you have to schedule around work. Two, I didn’t particularly want to take a chance on my part to get covid so I didn’t take advantage of my membership.

Well after covid restrictions started easing up and the gym started staying open it’s normal hours more and more people started attending the gym. Which is understandable but made it very hard to get to a machine. This started making my workout sessions longer and putting me home later which would put me in a rush to get my shower, dinner and other routine things I do after work. So it made it difficult to get everything done before bedtime (work nights). So I was losing sleep and getting wore out from trying to keep up my schedule of work, gym and responsibilities for myself. So my gym time diminished some. Then it started getting more and more crowded (I don’t do well in crowds) so eventually I stopped going and was paying for a membership I never used. Well after paying for several months where I never even looked at the gym much less go I finally went in and cancelled my membership.

Several months went by with no gym no membership. Which at first I was ok with because of crowds and covid. But you see I very much enjoy going to the gym ( I know you’re like “WHAT!” 😉) it not only makes me feel better physically it is good for my mental status as well. I go in go straight to the locker room change into my gym clothes and then put in my headphones and turn my music on. That’s when the outside world fades away and I can escape. Much like when I play with my Master and I go into subspace. Although that escape is a bit deeper but it’s the same aspect. So I was missing my gym but I didn’t particularly want to go back to PF. Don’t get me wrong it’s a good gym it’s just a bit too crowded for me and makes it harder for me to escape.

Well a while back I met a man through the FB dating app and we dated for a bit (that is a story for another time) through him I met a very nice lady ‘his cousin’ and we hit it off pretty well. 😊 Come to find out she is the manager of the YMCA at first I didn’t think anything about it but then my sister was commenting she would like to be able to go somewhere that has a pool. So that got me thinking about the lady and the YMCA so I got in touch with her to see what it would cost me to join. She did some wrangling and got me a pretty good deal. So here we are again the member of another gym.

Well I will have to admit I wish I would have joined the YMCA before I did PF. It is a lot better and not as crowded (bonus!) So I started going kind of here and there nothing regular yet. But I was getting a good feel of it and enjoying the pool. My sister hasn’t found any slack in her schedule yet to be able to enjoy the pool but I’m hopeful. And the more I went the more regular I became. My Master and I also have a little incentive set up that if I go a whole week (Mon,Wed, Fri) I’d get a reward. Which is a very nice incentive but of course it isn’t expected. So far I have kept to that schedule the last couple of weeks.

Well we’re finally getting to the point of this post. You see the gym was only open a partial part of the day on Monday because it was a holiday and sadly they were closed before I got off work so I didn’t get to attend. I was a bit bummed and also my routine was thrown out of wack. Which doesn’t bode well for me! One I get “shook out of place” it’s hard to get myself back into place. So I figured I can just go Sunday and skip Monday for that week. Well I didn’t sleep well the night before so I as well as my body was just tired and I didn’t want to take the chance of injuring myself at the gym. Then I told myself I’ll just go Tuesday well other issues have stopped me from doing that. Are these excuses or real reasons? Well they’re in lays the rub. I’ve been tossing this around in my head. So now Wednesday is about to roll around ( one of my regular scheduled days) and now I am telling myself well I have a munch (dinner with friends) that Wednesday and I’m not sure I’ll have enough time to shower and get dressed if I work out.

Technically I would have enough time to work out and make it home in time to shower and dress. Now mind you I will have to go with wet hair and rush rush when I get home. So I’m here to get your vote/opinion on this. Excuse or legit? As I said before once I’m kicked out of my routine it is very hard for me to get back into it.

Thank you for reading this short story 😊 I just wrote. I do hope I hear from y’all on what verdict you come up with.

Posted on

I Went to My First Swinger Party Last Night

It was an interesting experience, I was excited to go and I even wore a bit of a sexy outfit. But I must admit after being there for an hour or so I regretted my choice of clothing. You see this particular swinger party was a bit geriatric! The beginning of the party was going fairly well after I arrived with some friends of mine I also discovered other friends of mine had also shown up. I was very happy about that, I love to socialize. Which are a very big step for me and a very big change considering I am most definitely an introvert. But if I am pushed just a bit I will venture out into the world of kink events.

Well, when I first arrived we went in the front door and through the house making our way to the backyard. They had chairs and such set up around a burn pit on a concrete patio. It was very nice looking and relaxing. We sat around and was have some nice conversations with my friends that had attended this event. After a while, I and some other friends of mine were curious about what goes on inside so we all ventured upstairs to take a look. What we saw wasn’t very surprising to see but I must admit it was a bit different. You see my career is taking care of the elderly so seeing a naked elderly isn’t really a big deal considering I’ve seen just about any kind of naked elderly person in my 30+ years of doing this. But to see the elderly in action was a totally different ballgame! I may never look at my clients the same way again! I must say though I sure hope I am that spry at that age.

Ok, back to the subject I was originally on, my choice of clothing. I will attend another party but I will not adventure in sexy clothing. I felt like I was fresh meat in a room full of wolves!! Being one of the younger people there (there were a few of us) it was like open season for the geriatrics! One of them got a little too handsy for me when I was in the process of leaving, which rubbed my comfort level a bit too much and gave me a lot of pause in my consideration of attending another party. But this person was a little inebriated so I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt. I didn’t share that part with my SO so I am sure after he reads this there will be some questions and also some explanations.

But all in all, I did have a nice time. I am excited about the next party and I look forward to seeing my friends and sitting around the fire while we have nice conversations. Until the next time……..

Posted on

I Don’t Know Where This Will Go

I haven’t made a journal entry in quite some time, I thought maybe I’ll give it another try so here I go. It’s been kind of a whirlwind since the beginning of this year. A lot of things have changed and well we are all just trying to make it day by day.

When I was married raising my children taking care of my husband’s needs as well as the household everything seemed to be in order. I knew what I needed to do day by day, I stayed so busy that I really didn’t have time to think about myself. Or the fact of the matter is I never truly thought about myself. I focused on my kids and my husband at the time.

My two marriages were not easy ones. But I did survive them, just like I survived my childhood. See that’s just it, I am a survivor, I am strong and can make it through any hurdle life throws my way. So I thought, this year seems to be kicking my ass. The things I use to be able to handle and control are now controlling me. I have moments where I am truly happy in my life I mean I am so happy and satisfied where my life is now. And then there are moments when I feel like the world is crashing down on me, I feel alone and abandoned by everyone even though I know I am not. I know I am loved and wanted but something is catching up to me and I am not sure how to handle or control it. I focused so much energy on taking care of others that I never gave myself a second thought. And now that I am alone and there is only me in my household I have no one to focus on but myself. That is not necessarily a good thing.

It’s been suggested to me many times to seek counseling of any kind. That I really need to get help from someone else to be able to handle what is catching up to me. And of course, I would think “I don’t need counseling, I’ve handled this on my own for this long and can continue to do so”. Yeah, I am just lying to myself and I know I am.

You see I’m not used to talking to other people I am not used to telling people my troubles, I’m used to people telling me their problems and helping them fix them. But here of late, I am noticing that it is getting harder and harder for me to handle my past that is obviously coming back to haunt me. I have noticed that ever since I lost my middle child to suicide things have been a lot harder to deal with. Now it has definitely gotten to the point where I am not handling them I am burying them. But they are not staying buried they keep popping right back up to the surface to haunt me again.

I know I need to seek counseling, I know that if I don’t I may land somewhere I don’t want to be. It just isn’t as easy as just picking up a phone and making the appointment. It is a huge step and well I am trying very hard to work my way up to it.

I am going to end my journal entry here for the day. I am feeling a bit raw and way too open. I thank you for indulging in my ramblings and reading it to the end.

Posted on

LDR Dominance

My Dom and I were having a discussion yesterday afternoon. It was about doming from a distance. Before I felt that I couldn’t express myself in these journal entries. I felt that my D/s would be put on the line and I’d find myself alone. But I feel more confident now with the constant reassurance that I receive from my Dom that our D/s is strong and will last till the end and a day.

So here I am expressing my thoughts and feelings. As I was saying in the beginning he and I were discussing long distance doming, we have two different opinions of it. He feels it isn’t real, that it is just words. There is no physicality in it, no touch, no meaning, it holds no merit and not worth the work in an LDR. And I respect the way he feels he’d rather the kink part of our relationship be face to face and pretty much have a vanilla one while we’re apart. Now this being said he was willing to put his feelings aside and do a test trial for a month to see if he could have a change of opinions/wants in regards to doming in an LDR. I respect how feels and greatly appreciate the fact that he was willing to do this for ME.

But as he loves me enough to make this sacrifice for my happiness I love him enough to not ask this of him. You see it would make me happy, I would feel so much more! I would be grounded, I’d feel so much more secure and fulfilled. I need the dominance in my life, it’s so much more to me then a bunch of words. I’m sure all you subs out there know exactly what I’m trying to say. I want it so bad that I can literally taste it! I crave it! I need it! I find that sometimes I beg for it.

But sadly if he’s only doing it to make me happy and he doesn’t get joy or happiness out of it then it’s all null and void. 😔 I can’t receive what I need if he is not receiving what he needs as well. So here I am at a stand still with no good solution in my future. The only solution that I see is to do what makes him happy and keep my needs and wants suppressed until we can see one another face to face. Now I know for a fact once he reads this he will disagree with my solution and not be happy with how I feel. He’s a fixer and he does everything in his power to assure that I am happy and well taken care of. He is a beautiful Dominant/Master to me. I am very proud to be owned by him. We have a great relationship except for this one conundrum.

I feel better but also sad after writing this jornal entry. But at least it’s out there and I don’t feel like I’m holding it all up alone. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Posted on

Changes

I’ve been debating about writing this post for a while now, it may send a message to certain people or it may not. Either way I don’t wish to discuss this entry. I just wish to be able to write in my journal my true feelings to just be able to come here to be myself and unload without any reprimand or expectations of explaining. 

 Sometimes in our lives we go through trauma that will forever change our lives. You hold this in yourself, you never share and you never speak of it. Doing so always brings more trauma into your life. I as well as many people have been through a lot of trauma in my lifetime, now some would be forever changed by this and let the trauma run their lives. Or use it to gain attention and obedience from their loved ones or other people. I learned from a very young age if you dare speak of it it just brings more hurt, more pain, more distance. So you don’t speak of it, you just make yourself invisible. It was easier this way, the pain and trauma still came but you learned how to control the way it affected you. So you were able to live a “happier” life. 

 I did this for many years, well practically my whole life. But during the course of my later years I was presented with an outlet, this outlet pursued my past, my traumas, my feelings. My gut kept telling me to be quiet, just shut up! You’re just going to make it all explode in the end. But you see I didn’t listen to my gut (yeah I know stupid move, well no worries lesson learned) and it did just that. It blew up straight in my face. This goes back to the beginning of my writing, I am the one who is strong enough to hold my trauma. I made the mistake of thinking anyone else could. So now I am back to where I was don’t speak it just hold it in and do what you know. 

 So here I am again traveling the road I know. Will I miss things that were given to me for a short time, immensely.