I always dread when it is time for this month to roll around. You would think it would be a good month, it would mean we are that much closer to fall. The beautiful changes in the seasons, soon the start of the changing colors, the falling of leaves, the cool crisp air swirling around you. Fall is my favorite season, just cool enough to snuggle in and watch the leaves outside swirl around in the wind. Sit outside by a campfire watching the flames dance around the fire pit. Snuggle in with the one you love.

But on August 30th I received a phone call at 9 am that morning, it was a funeral home. And the words he spoke to me I know by heart “Mrs. ____ we have Rebekah here.” It didn’t register at first, I couldn’t figure out why my daughter was at a funeral home. I wanted to ask to speak to her, to ask her who had died. Is this why you’re at a funeral home? All that came out was “Why do you have my daughter?” The man on the other line had an audible intake of air and said “OH GOD! He then ask me “Did the state police call you?” Again all that went through my head was “Why would the state police call me about my daughter, was she in jail? Was she in trouble? I wish, god I wish she was in jail I could have gone and got her, I wish (forgive me) that it was someone else that was at that funeral home and that it was her there taking care of someone else’s remains.  But no, it was not, it was my beautiful babygirl. It was the child I had given birth to 27 years ago. It was a big piece of my heart that died at this man’s words. “Ma’am, your child is gone” I remember falling to my knees, I was calling this poor man a liar telling him this is a cruel joke no one should ever pull on a mother. I ask him to please stop saying these things. He was at a loss, his only reply was I am going to have the state police call and speak with you. And then the line went dead.

I felt numb, I tried desperately to call my daughter, but there was no answer. I called over and over again and again and again no answer. I begged and pleaded to the nothing in front of me “Please please my sweet Rebekah please answer your phone for Mama.” I screamed and cried and screamed and cried until I was exhausted as I sat there trying to put any semblance of thought together. I hadn’t realized I was clutching my phone in my hand until it started to vibrate, my hands shaking as I lifted it so I could hit that little glowing green button that would alter the rest of my life forever. I brought it to my ear and there was a man’s voice on the other end. My voice horse and shaky I said “Hello” he said, “hello ma’am this is ______ with the state police, I am sorry to have to inform you but your daughter Rebekah ____ ____ was found on such and such road deceased in her vehicle.” I was shaking I’m not even sure how coherent I was, but I do remember asking him in a very hushed tone. “What happened?” He said, “We found her parked on the side of the road, she had a pistol and she used it to shoot herself in the head.” At this point nothing else was registering, I don’t remember anything he said after that. I just kept replaying his words in my head, I kept seeing my beautiful little girl sitting in her car with her head blown away. I felt sick, I felt numb, I felt lost. A faint sound was starting to break in through my thoughts “Ma’am, ma’am hello ma’am” It was the police officer on the other end of the line. I said, “I’m sorry, yes?” He asked me “Is there anything else I can do for you?” In my head I was screaming “YES BRING MY DAUGHTER BACK!!!!!” but what came out was “No thank you”. He gave me some other information about picking up her belongings and something about if I wanted her car and such but nothing was sticking in my mind it was overrun by grief a grief that will never end.

I don’t remember much of the rest of that day. I just remember the overwhelming feeling of grief, my body felt too heavy for me to carry, and my mind was nothing but a fog. I remember going to my phone to the very last message my daughter sent me those famous three words “I love you” and I realized then that was her saying goodbye to me. I looked back at that message many times after that day. And I always wonder “What if I would have done this or that would my daughter still be here? So you see each day of August that leads up to August 30th is pure hell for me. I try so hard to find things to do or people to hang out with to occupy my thoughts. Because if I don’t I relive that day just as if it happened right now over and over on August 30th each year. It is pure hell.

They tell you “It will get easier as time goes on” but it does not. Not when you lose your child, it never gets easier! It gets harder with each passing birthday all you think is she would have been such and such age on this day. What would she be now? How far would she be in life now? Would she be happy and married and have a brew of children? Thought after thought after thought of “what if’s” or “where would be” so please don’t tell me it will get easier, it never gets easier.

Because as of August 30th of this month, it will be 5 years since I lost my child and it still has not gotten easier. I have my daughter’s remains sitting in front of me in a beautiful wooden box that a very close friend of mine made for her. And as I write this entry I can’t look up at the box at my daughter in the box. It is a comfort knowing she is still here with me but I have a very hard time looking at the box. Sometimes I dream of my daughter we’re either playing cards or watching tv just something mundane. But those dreams are so very precious to me because I get to see my daughter again. I get to visit with her, hold her, and just be with her. Until I awake the next morning feeling again that deep void within me.

The rest of the year I do ok, I have my good days and I have my bad days. I try and live life to the fullest that I can. Some days I feel utterly and totally alone. Some days I just want to be with my daughter. I have a habit of isolating myself from the world I am slowly losing faith in, I know I shouldn’t and I know I need to come out of my hole. But you have no idea how very hard that can be. I can feel myself sinking into a black abyss and what is scary is I am starting to feel comfortable in this abyss. Sighs, then I think Rebekah wouldn’t want me here. She wouldn’t want to see me suffer and isolate myself from what I consider to be a very cruel world. So I force myself to crawl out of the hole I have been finding comfort in and surround myself with friends that I know I can trust and who truly care about my well-being. With their support and comfort, I can venture out. I just need to learn to continue to do so and not keep crawling back into that comfortable abyss. I am working on it, I just hope I don’t give up on me.